Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Introducing the Baby and a Quiet Heart

We've been stepping up our efforts to acclimate Ben to the idea of a little sister. Of a baby in the house. Of the life change that is coming.

Chester and I have been doing this by talking about babies, talking about being a big brother, etc. You get the idea. We have books about the topic, but Ben's never been very good at letting anybody read him books. He'd rather play with the pages.

On Saturday, we went on a mini shopping spree to Target to buy pink stuff. Aside from a collection of pink onesies and sleepers, I picked out a baby doll for Ben. While it was still in the box, he was hugging it and kissing it. I called it "Baby Anna." When we got home, he continued with the baby love, carrying the doll around with her head tucked under his arm.

By Sunday evening, though, Baby Anna was head first in Ben's new potty chair. We'll have to keep an eye on that kid.

As I predicted, the pregnancy feels a lot more real to me now. In many ways, it's scarier, because now I know what I'd be losing if something goes wrong. I have a log now to keep track of my contractions. They still upset me, but I'm trying to have a better attitude about them. And I'm trying to take it easy. It's tough at work, though, because I can't exactly lie down and rest in the middle of the day. All I can do is sit, which I'm doing almost constantly anyway. Oh well. One day at a time.

My best friend Mary came over for a couple of hours on Thursday evening when Chester went kayaking. It was nice, though strange for me to have someone to talk to. I have friends at work, but I don't share anything other than the day-to-day stuff with them. Mary is different. She's like therapy. I'm expected to really "share" with her. Divulge my soul. Bare my heart. I guess that's what best friends are for. But I'm not really used to that anymore. And frankly, my still waters aren't really running that deep lately. So we mostly talked about her. And that's just fine with me. I love her to pieces.

Chester always teases me about how I try to keep up fences and walls between me and the rest of the world. (My blog is ironic). When I first started working at the company where I work now, I was friendly and outgoing, but I didn't eat with my co-workers or socialize outside of work. I'm still like that. It's my thing. Anyway. Mary was drawn to me. She started coming to my cubicle to visit for an hour at a time. We talked about our families, our likes and dislikes, etc. The basics.

Eventually, we got together outside of work. Not often, but enough. She had wormed herself into my heart. And she's stayed.

But I'm still maintaining the walls between me and the rest of the crowd. I open up to my blogging friends now. It gives me an outlet to share without any real risk of betrayal or hurt or real vulnerability. I'm not lonely, but my heart is quiet and I like that calm.