Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Hugging Tighter Today

Ever have one of those dreams that disturbs you so much, it still lingers with you throughout the morning?

Around midnight last night, I had a dream that someone kidnapped Anna. I knew who had done it, but I couldn't prove it, and she wouldn't tell me where she had brought Anna. I was hysterical. The dream's span only lasted a day, but it was a very emotional day full of panic, dread and grief.

The main things running through my head: "What if Anna starts one of her fuss fests, and they treat her badly? We're her parents, so we treat her with love and understanding. They might shake her or hurt her." "I'm a nursing mother. Anna needs me, and I need her."

Just the idea of little Anna lying in a strange house, looking for familiar faces and finding none, looking for mama's breast and finding nothing, looking for ME and not finding my loving, gentle arms. Man. It tore me apart.

Something I said to this woman obviously broke through, because when I went home later, Anna was in a strange car seat on the ottoman. I lifted her out and carefully examined her strong, solid little body for signs of trauma and found none. Then I held her close to me, stroking her body and kissing her fingers and toes and nose, sobbing with relief.

I had a few other dreams after that, but none that settled so deeply in my heart, and when I woke this morning and fed Anna, I wept. It's amazing that this time last year, she was just a cluster of cells, making their way to my uterus to implant and continue growing into a baby. And now she's this whole new person, all soft skin, sparkling smile and gorgeous blue eyes, squished toes and chubby wrists, stuffy nose and pink cheeks. And she is so permanently etched in my heart.

Chris reminded me that I had similar dreams about Ben after he was born. I think it's safe to say that I need my children as much as they need me. Even though Anna screams and fusses and Ben whines and freaks out over nothing, I love both of them with a fierce dependency. They are each such an integral part of who I am now. And I know I'll be giving a lot of extra hugs and kisses today. What blessings.