Thursday, September 13, 2007

The State of the Household

I woke up this morning to day four of my new life. At 4:45, which is actually sleeping in for me lately. Pregnancy insomnia is hitting me hard, and I can't sleep in if my life depended on it. I'm still in bed by eight and asleep by nine, but this is cause for adjustment. And I don't hate it. I get at least an hour to myself with a few cups of decaf coffee, my laptop and my heating pad.

I wouldn't say that Ben and I are getting into a routine yet. Life is flowing more smoothly, but it's not always predictable. Ben is still "transitioning" which means he's refusing most meals, still prone to meltdowns and napping erratically. I'm getting more patient, though, which helps. And Ben is learning that Mamma is learning, too. If he wants something or wants to start a new activity, he has to initiate it sometimes.

We've had a couple of good days. I've allowed myself permission to not do so much around the house. I have Tasks That Must Be Completed that include washing the dishes, preparing meals and folding some laundry. Everything else can wait until my next burst of nesting energy.

Ben hasn't made any motions towards wanting to go back to daycare, but I don't really know how he'd express that desire. Maybe he'd insist on putting his shoes on in the morning or start reaching for the doorknob around our usual time. He's not, though. Part of me still wishes I could bring him there for an hour or two, if only so he could be around some other kids. Even when we go running errands, he doesn't really see other kids. Sure, the nice cozy women in the checkout aisle flirt back and play peekaboo, but that's not really the same.

In a couple of weeks we'll start going to the Family Resource Center drop-in playdates, and until then, he'll have to be happy with just me.

As for what's going on in my head and heart... I still feel a bit suspended above it all, like this isn't really my life. I'm going through the motions and doing what is expected of me, and I'm always on the lookout for moments of joy and bliss (which do happen). But the reality hasn't really settled in yet. The good news is that I'm no longer that anxious to go back to work.

Chris and I cuddle more in the evenings, and he's very affectionate and attentive. Our relationship has changed a lot since we're no longer within 200 feet of each other at all times anymore. So we hug more, and I still send him totally inappropriate text messages for him to receive while he's in meetings.

So that's that. My life, four days into the Change.