Sunday, November 25, 2007

Meant To Be Together Right Now

I had an awful dream yesterday morning. The premise was silly and very unlikely, but the emotions evoked from the scenario shook me. Basically, someone thought it would be a good idea to take Anna away from me for an overnight without my permission.

I remember at one point in the dream, I was shouting and yelling and wailing at these people, trying to get them to understand that Anna and I are meant to be together right now. "It's just not natural for our bodies to be far apart!"

Oh how true. In the dream, I was engorged and in pain by morning, but my heart hurt even more.

When Chris woke me from the nap, he was holding Anna in his arms. I reached for her and nestled her next to me as she slept peacefully. My whole body seemed to sigh with relief.

I remember I felt the same way when I got back from the hospital with Anna. Not having Ben near me was painful. It wasn't the physical pain that it would be without Anna, but it was an intense psychic pain.

Anna is six weeks old today. Yesterday, it dawned on me that if I were still working, my maternity leave would be over and Anna would have to go to daycare tomorrow. Now that I know she doesn't have to go, I hate the idea of having other people take care of her. I just can't imagine them doing as good of a job as I can. She belongs with Mommy and Daddy and Ben.

In retrospect, it's sad how much I had to harden my heart to let Ben go to daycare when my maternity leave with him was over. My heart still broke, but I was resigned to the reality.