Monday, November 26, 2007

Don't Look, I'm Naked!

There's a funny tradition in my family that started years ago with my sister. When we are making the toweled run from the bathroom to our bedroom, we yell, "Don't look!" Of course, if you hear that, you automatically look.

I've blogged for over a year now. It's not like I was purposely keeping it a secret, it just didn't seem like anybody would be interested. Chris has never peeked, though I told him he could. He just doesn't care, so I didn't think others would.

When I was in the hospital with Anna in my belly while they were shooting me up with lots of drugs to keep her there, my mom was there for a bit to keep me company. I started blabbing, and I told her I had a blog. I didn't tell her what it was called or how to find it, but I told her.

When I was hungover from the drugs, I realized what I had done. Over the next few weeks, I started feeling a little more like telling others in my family about my blog. It certainly would be an easy way to show them pictures of the kids and to keep them up to date on what's going on in our lives.

And on Thanksgiving Day, I showed my sister my post about cleaning up the toy box to show her how few toys we left out for Ben. When I looked away, she started skimming through the rest of the page. I felt very self-conscious about it.

But not nearly as self-conscious as I've felt this weekend when I checked my site meter and realized that she's read over two dozen pages of my blog over the last two days. (Hi Jolene! I see you!)

I guess I don't have anything to hide. It's not like I have a secret life that my family doesn't know about (anymore). I don't "talk crap" about my family either. It'll just take a little while for me to feel less naked, less exposed. It's just like she's reading my diary.

Really, that's what blogging is for me. Instead of writing down my most secret thoughts in a book, I'm typing it onto a web page for the world to see. There are some things I keep to myself, but not much. But "the world" doesn't have preconceived notions of who I am, my family does. While I don't really care what "the world" thinks of me, I care what my family thinks.

Maybe by Christmas I'll have enough nerve to show my mom how to find my blog. Maybe I'll even tell Chris's family about it. For now, I'll just quietly shudder and try to get used to being emotionally naked in front of people who really matter.