Molly Dog

So we got a dog Tuesday night. I've already been experiencing buyer's remorse, but I hear that's normal, especially if you are not normally a dog person. Dang, dogs are a lot of work! We're house training her, so I have to remain hyper-vigilant about her "needs." I suppose this is practice for pottytraining Ben, whenever he decides he's ready.

She's actually a very nice dog. She doesn't bark or whine. She loves the kids. She likes her kennel. She loves me. She can already play fetch, and she's catching on very quickly to Sit. We went for a long walk to the park yesterday, and she got very worn out. I'd pause to let her go potty in a shady spot, and she'd lay down instead, panting.

I named her Molly. It seems to suit her. Unfortunately, Ben can't pronounce it. He calls her "Wah-ee." Ben loves her desperately, and he can even open her kennel to let her out to play (grrr).

I was very burnt out last night from the kids and the dog, and I was ready to give her back, but I've promised myself that I will wait two weeks before making a decision like that.

In other news, Anna is now 11 months old. Isn't that amazing? It seems like just a month ago, I was hugely pregnant with her. And now, she's cruising along furniture, pushing laundry baskets and trucks across the floor while walking behind, and climbing to the top of our Little Tykes slide and scaring the crap out of me. She's sleeping very well at night, though she still wakes up once for a snack and once for a hug and to be tucked back in. I'm sleeping much better.

It's a combination of the better sleep, physical therapy and more frequent T-Tapp exercises, but I graduated from physical therapy yesterday. I don't have to go back! It's been almost two weeks since I had a headache, and my neck feels fine. It's nothing like it was. It feels wonderful to be pain-free again. That was a rough time.

I'm going to try to get back into blogging again. I turned inward for a while, and I didn't want to push anything out onto the page. I didn't want to share; I just wanted to live in the moment. I'm hoping that I'm phasing out of that. We'll see. I'm not going to force it.

Brief History of Why I'm Not Blogging

I can hardly believe that it's been so long since blogging. Kind of crazy. But it is what it is.

Truth be told, I haven't been feeling well. It started around Aug. 2 or so. Nausea in the evenings, neck pain when I bend over, pick things up or look far left or right. Over the next few days, the bouts of nausea and pain became for frequent, lasting for longer than before, until it finally lasted all day long.

Then the anxiety attacks, vertigo and dizziness started. I'd be sitting down, thinking about stupid trivial stuff, and all of a sudden, I'd get hot flashes and end up in a dither about silly things. Left in a puddle of tears and sweat, I knew something was wrong. I figured maybe my Zoloft was no longer effective, so I made an appointment with my primary physician for a med check.

The vertigo and dizziness would happen when I stood up or sat down or walked for too long. It starts with the neck pain, and then everything would start throbbing, my hearing, my vision, my aching head. Got to the point where I couldn't push a cart around Walmart anymore.

My whole spine aches, from my neck to my tailbone, when touched.

It's very disturbing. Last week, I spent several nights at my mom's house with the kids. I'm not a very good caregiver feeling like this. I can't carry Anna for more than a couple minutes without needing to sit down. I received a couple chiropractic adjustments, and more importantly, I was able to take two uninterrupted naps a day.

This is all rather depressing. I feel very isolated and lonely. My house is a stinky disaster area because of my limitations. Poor Chris is saddled with so much.

Anyway. My appointment is tomorrow. I hope that it's just a medicine issue. I can get a new prescription for another anti-anxiety medication, and I'll be fine. I'm hoping that all of these symptoms can be explained away by the physical manifestation of anxiety. I'm also hoping that my doctor takes me seriously, because I can't live like this for much more. I miss "life." I miss moving and bike riding. Chris isn't letting me drive anymore because of the random dizziness and vision clouding.

So I'm not blogging. I missed the 10-month Anna post (she's awesome and beautiful, in between a baby and a toddler), but I plurk a few times a day. (You can see my plurk updates in the right hand column of this blog). You can email me to leave a comment about a plurk (cheryl at ccmathis DOT com). Or you can get a plurk account (like twitter, but more personal) and join my group. I miss you all.

Pensieve's Poetic License: Haiku

Want this button?

Would you believe I've never written a haiku before? In my youth, I wrote hundreds, maybe thousands of lines of poetry, but I never tried to constrain a beautiful thought into the rigid form of haiku. 3 lines. 17 syllables. 5/7/5.

Pensieve's poetic license this month is to write at least one haiku about spring. I'm giving it my best shot.

Brown ground waits for warmth,
Dreams, plans, lists, seeds, and bare knees.
Sun sweeten this home!


One more layer of snow,
One more white icy blanket,
One more sigh for spring.


Open your windows.
Open your lungs to new air.
Exhale the stagnant winter.


This fresh new vigor
Yellow heat round and spinning
Wooed the dense gray dawn

Check out the rest of the haiku kicked into existence by Pensieve just like these, write your own and link up your haiku post today!

Niceness and Pre-Op

The “Nice Matters Award” is for those bloggers who are nice people; good blog friends and those who inspire good feelings and inspiration. Also for those who are a positive influence on our blogging world.”

RC of Hill Smith Family Update honored me yesterday with the "Nice Matters Award." I'm so friggin' tickled by this.

This is what she said about me on her blog:

MamaCheryl likes to say nice things about me on her blog, and she is so inspiring. She has lost 40 pounds since January! How awesome is that?!?!?!? On top of it, she shares her life very openly and honestly. Did I mention she is making some beautiful quilts, now, too?

I'm a huge fan of RC. As a matter of fact, this last weekend was kind of tortuous for me because she was in my neighborhood for some classes. I was busy, and she was booked, but I was so tempted to run down there and stalk her. I've never actually met a bloggy friend in person yet. I feel a little insecure about it, just like Liz.

Anyway. I love getting this award. I've seen others receive it in the past, and I always kind of chuckled to myself that there's no way I'll ever get it. I'm too sarcastic, too bitter, too weird. Nice? Is that really a word to describe me? Sure, I aspire to kindness, but sometimes I feel like I get tripped up on my odd sensibilities.

When I tell my husband that I was twittering with RC or commenting on her blog, he always asks me, "Now which one is she?" I respond with, "She's the one who has a similar work background as me, a similar personality, and a son named Little Dude and a cat named Supercat." He responds, "Oh. The one you want to live next door." "Yep. That's her."

I'll have to think for a while on who I will present a Nice Matters Award to.

*******
So to give you all a heads up on what will be going down for the next couple of days. I have my icky surgery tomorrow, and I'll be in the hospital overnight. I might twitter from the hospital, but I might not have a chance to blog. We'll have to see. I could have my laptop in the birth center, but I'll be in a different area of the hospital now, and they might have different rules.

Tonight, I will have the oh-so-pleasant task of the bowel prep, which is basically a really intense colon cleanse. Yes. It should be amazing. I won't be twittering about it. I may "share my life openly and honestly" but there has to be a line in the sand, some mystery, some sense of *ahem* dignity. I will probably lose another couple of pounds in just a couple of hours. Miracle.

My mom arrived early afternoon, and she'll be staying until Friday. It'll be kind of insane for the next couple weeks since I'll have to have a babysitter here.

I'm going to miss my children a lot while I'm in the hospital. I'm so worried about Anna and how she'll cope without me. With how traumatic it was for her when Chris and I went on a date Sunday afternoon, I shudder at the thought of leaving her for a whole overnight. I'm hoping I'll be in an area where she can come visit me in my room. Any pumping sessions I can skip would be nice. And Ben? I'm not so worried about him. He'll have a great time without me (otherwise known as the Big Wet Blanket) to keep him out of mischief.

I look forward to catching up with everybody after my surgery. I wonder how much fun it'll be to blog while I'm on major painkillers. Hmmmm.

Things I'm trying not to think about: The indignity of what my body will be going through during the surgery. The Pain. The butt-pleasing diet I'll have to be on after surgery. Anna crying because she wants her mama. Oh. And the small matter of the miniscule chance I won't make it through surgery. I've never been under general anesthesia before, and I'm terrified. But those are all things I'm. Not. Thinking. About.

How Dare You

Too busy to blog? How dare you say such a thing. You should always make time for your bloggy friends.

I've been busy. Quilting. Decluttering. Organizing. Laundry. Dishes. Floors. Children. Making Pretty Things With Photoshop and Illustrator.

Did I mention we started a remodeling project in the basement? Yeah. Because of the bigger-than-my-patience Train Table with a capital T, we've decided to build a playroom in our previously unfinished basement. While Chris has been busy building stud walls, I've been sorting through boxes of crap that weren't dealt with during my last basement purge.

We bought several utility shelf kits for the basement, and I refuse to just put boxes of crap on those beautiful shelves. So I'm going through all the boxes and then resorting them into new boxes that are labeled. It's nice that way. It's also time consuming.

We also installed shelves on the back walls of our bedroom closet and our entry closet, so now everything is nice and tidy in there.

Anyway. I've been busy. I've been cranky. I've been tired. I've been blessed beyond measure, but I have not been in a blogging mood. You will forgive me.

Mommy Matters! Makeover

I've had a lot of fun goofing off on my laptop the last couple days. No, I wasn't just playing "Mysteriez." I was putting together a new blog header for my friend Candace over at Mommy Matters! Check it out. 

If anybody else who reads me regularly wants her own fancy-shmancy blog header, request it now before I start charging for this stuff. :) 

Whatdya Think Now, Toots?

RC has the right idea. Why not give the ol' blog a new look? I made that header a few weeks ago, and I want to change it again... but I figured I'd see how things looked around here with some changes.

Update: I totally ignored the dishes and dirty floors and made a brand spanking new header. I like it much better. Suits me a bit more. I'm sure if I was actually trained in graphic design, it wouldn't have taken me four hours to create, but I managed to get it done.

You're Welcome Here Anyway

A long time ago, I read a hilarious post by Mom-101 about how people find her site. She logged funny or interesting referral searches that she found in the cookie that records stuff like that.

For the past few months, I've been doing the same thing. The results are sometimes interesting, sometimes curious, sometimes sad and sometimes funny. I thought I'd share some of my favorites with you.

Because my blog name is Red Pens & Diapers, it only stands to reason that a lot of those searches would involve the title.

The "diaper" searches were often the funniest:
"Diaper lover couches" (Um. Yeah. You lost me on this one. It's a big, gigantic WTF.)
"Hot boy diapers" (If you have a hot boy, have we got the diapers for you! I don't think they're talking about fevers.)
"Hot boy in diapers" (Now I'm starting to think that this is a weird sex thing.)
"Pain p--sing in diapers" (Okay. This one floored me. Maybe they have an allergy to diapers, but the word terminology was striking, and didn't seem like a parenting issue for some reason. Update: Apparently a couple of words in that search is the URL of a pr0n site. And I don't really want so many of those people looking at my kids.)
"Diapers sister OR mother OR brother" (Yeah. I don't know why a boolean search was necessary or what the heck was the real focus of this search. In my head, I prefer to think that they were just feeling "one" with their sanitary products, like you would with nature, i.e. brother fox, sister moon.)
"Snowmobile diapers" (I was immediately reminded of the astronaut who drove across country, wearing diapers so she wouldn't have to stop. I can only assume that it's the same concept here, and I find it icky.)

Parenting and pregnancy issues are pretty easy to explain. I've been pregnant and a parent while writing this blog, so naturally, I talk a lot about those issues.

Still, the following searches gave me pause:
"Crazy maternity clothes" (This actually gave me a great idea when I was trying to think of maternity clothes that would be considered crazy. What about extra long maternity tops that have crotch snaps at the bottom? That way when you lift your arms up, the bottom of your shirt won't ride up and expose your belly. But I think the google searcher was really looking for maternity clothes that include sleeves that let you hug yourself a lot, if you know what I mean. Right?)
"Didn't make it to the bathroom" (Oh honey. I've been there. I think most of us have and don't want to admit it.)
"I resent being pregnant" (I thought about this one for a while. You all know I wasn't the happiest pregnant lady. I was grouchy, tired, uncomfortable and hormonal. I think I'll have to admit that there was a lot of resentment that I had to go through the miracle of pregnancy in order to bring another child into the world. I really feel for the woman who did that search, though. She must have felt awful at the time.)
"What to do about a diaper rash that is bleeding" (This amused me, because I remember typing in the same query in the search box. I hope they were able to find some answers. It's a distressing situation to have a baby, especially a newborn, bleeding and you don't know what to do. It's not like you can put a bandaid on their butt.)

The "I wonder why people are searching for that" ones:
"Down-the-slide hair" (Of course this is referring to the static electricity that happens when kids or adults, for that matter, go down the tube slides. Why they would want to look it up, though, is beyond me.)
"She gained twenty pounds in her butt at least" (I end with my favorite, the search that made me start this list in the first place. Maybe it's a line from a movie that they were trying to reference. I like to think of two teen girls sitting next to each other in their computer lab, unable to actually talk to each other, so they are gossiping by typing stuff into their google search box and letting the other read it. So, to all of you Mean Girls-type girls out there, you're welcome here. I don't know why you'd want to be here, but whatevs. I'm out.)

Who Would Have Thought?

So. Christmas. Yeah. That holiday that I would be perfectly willing to ignore for the most part.

There is something so addicting about collecting and displaying decorations and ornaments. I can't believe I'm saying that. But it's true!

I blame it all on BooMama's Christmas Tour of Homes. I posted my meager decorations on my blog, and since Anna was up at two in the morning to nurse, I was able to get my link in the top 50, which means that I got A LOT of blog traffic this week. Over 800 visits. It was incredible. But more to the point, I visited about eighty or so bloggy homes, and I totally got the bug.

You can all chuckle quietly to yourselves smugly saying, "I knew it'd happen eventually."

Since I posted my Tour, I've added some new additions to my house. So, for my regular readers, you get to see a bigger and better Home Tour. Congratulations!

Chris found a few of his ornaments from his childhood (the brown star thing, for example), and my mother and I picked out a flat of penguin ornaments from Target for my husband (he loves Linux, logo is a penguin). The snowflakes were purchased because they were cheap (no kidding), and I think they're a little pretty. For the ornaments that are within Ben's reach, I bent the branch around them so they can't be pulled off.

I made these paper flowers the day of the Christmas tour. I think they are my favorite thing I've done so far. They look so totally festive and happy and perky. They also kind of dress up our house from the outside, which is nice because we live a block away from a big office building, and we get about a dozen or so walkers past our house every lunch hour.


I've had these fake red orchids for a couple of years, but grouped with some flowery picture frames (with no glass and just red construction paper), Anna's Christmas headband around one, and some new niece/nephew pics on display, this seems Christmas-y to me now.









This isn't technically a Christmas decoration, but I just got these decadent, lovely, shimmery throw pillows from TJ Maxx, and they completely dress up my living room. They are reddish, which seems to fit the holiday season. And I wanted to show them off.


And most importantly (and deliciously), I finally made the cheesecake cups yesterday. It was a lot of fun. These are actually my "mistake" ones. I am such a klutz in the kitchen, and I was making a royal mess when I was putting the cheesecake filling in those little muffin cups. I got smart and spooned the filling into a sandwich bag and clipped the tip of the bag. I squeezed the filling into the cups like icing a cake, and they now look too beautiful to eat (but I think we'll manage). I chilled them overnight, and they popped right out of the paper cups. Some light cherry pie filling, and voila, absolutely delicious. You guys should come over and have a cup of french vanilla coffee with me and help me eat these.

PS. I knew it would happen. In April I blogged about a friend from my college years who I had lost touch with and had no idea how to contact again. Since I wrote that post, my sitemeter has logged about ten to twenty google searches for this guy's name, but still no comments or emails leading me to him. He emailed me himself last night. :) There was much joy in my living room this morning when I found it waiting for me in my inbox. Woo-hoo!

NaBloPoMo-NoMo-TGIO

Today is the last day of NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month). Thank God It's Over.

I managed to successfully finish the month without a lot of junk posts. I tried to come up with something substantive every day, even if I did cheat slightly by working ahead a bit on the weekends sometimes.

Journaling my life every day is an interesting idea. Doing so publicly is kind of crazy, but it's a journey of honesty and self reflection. For me, it's also a test of my morality and my character. I try to live my life without subterfuge and deceit. I try to do things I could be proud of, and I try not to keep areas in my life that I would deem unbloggable.

Since quitting my job and staying home, I thought those character tests would dissipate. Not interacting with so many people every day would make it easier to be a good person because I'd be less likely to be catty, less likely to gossip, less likely to stress out over stupid things.

That's not really true, though I am less likely to do those things.

Staying home has opened up different areas to fail or fall short. Instead of judging my co-workers, I find myself more critical of my husband and myself. Instead of stressing out over stupid work stuff, I find myself stressing out over stupid kid stuff.

Blogging keeps me sane and keeps me honest. Reading other people's blogs demonstrates to me that other people are going through the same things, and I'm doing okay. I don't have to be a perfect stay-at-home mom to be a success in life, to be a good person.

I find grace especially in times when I disappoint myself. In the process of identifying where I could have reacted differently or where I could have shown more kindness, I'm learning to accept the roller coasters of life and the fallacy of perfection.

Though it would be nice to be the sort of mom who never snaps at her toddler or who never begrudges her infant another marathon turn at the breast, I know that I'm not alone in those so-called failures. I'm human, and blogging helps keep those instances in perspective.

One could say I'm blogging right now to avoid changing a monster poo diaper my son just produced. That someone could be right. Or one could say that I'm blogging right now to claim a bit of time during the day just for me... as a mother, but more importantly, as yet another person on this crazy ride called life. That someone would be right as well.

Don't Look, I'm Naked!

There's a funny tradition in my family that started years ago with my sister. When we are making the toweled run from the bathroom to our bedroom, we yell, "Don't look!" Of course, if you hear that, you automatically look.

I've blogged for over a year now. It's not like I was purposely keeping it a secret, it just didn't seem like anybody would be interested. Chris has never peeked, though I told him he could. He just doesn't care, so I didn't think others would.

When I was in the hospital with Anna in my belly while they were shooting me up with lots of drugs to keep her there, my mom was there for a bit to keep me company. I started blabbing, and I told her I had a blog. I didn't tell her what it was called or how to find it, but I told her.

When I was hungover from the drugs, I realized what I had done. Over the next few weeks, I started feeling a little more like telling others in my family about my blog. It certainly would be an easy way to show them pictures of the kids and to keep them up to date on what's going on in our lives.

And on Thanksgiving Day, I showed my sister my post about cleaning up the toy box to show her how few toys we left out for Ben. When I looked away, she started skimming through the rest of the page. I felt very self-conscious about it.

But not nearly as self-conscious as I've felt this weekend when I checked my site meter and realized that she's read over two dozen pages of my blog over the last two days. (Hi Jolene! I see you!)

I guess I don't have anything to hide. It's not like I have a secret life that my family doesn't know about (anymore). I don't "talk crap" about my family either. It'll just take a little while for me to feel less naked, less exposed. It's just like she's reading my diary.

Really, that's what blogging is for me. Instead of writing down my most secret thoughts in a book, I'm typing it onto a web page for the world to see. There are some things I keep to myself, but not much. But "the world" doesn't have preconceived notions of who I am, my family does. While I don't really care what "the world" thinks of me, I care what my family thinks.

Maybe by Christmas I'll have enough nerve to show my mom how to find my blog. Maybe I'll even tell Chris's family about it. For now, I'll just quietly shudder and try to get used to being emotionally naked in front of people who really matter.

Me and Mine Meme 100 for the 200

Nordette from BlogHer is trying to get back into the bloggy swing of things by interviewing 100 (you heard right) mommy or daddybloggers by the end of the year. I think she should interview me. :) She wants us to do the following meme so she can decide who to interview:

1.) State the name of your blog, your real name or your online name, and link to your "about me" page.
My blog is entitled Red Pens & Diapers. My name is Cheryl Mathis (my online name is mammacheryl), and you can find my "about me" page here.

2.) Say you want to be profiled on BlogHer as a family blogger and link back to this post.
Dude. I want to be profiled on BlogHer as a family blogger.

3.) Tell how long you've been blogging.
I've been blogging since October 2006. This is actually my 200th post. Woot!


4.) Pass this meme on to three other bloggers that you think should be profiled/interviewed.
I think Dana, Candace and Daisy should be profiled as well.

Oh No He Didn't

I can't believe he just said that.

I was expressing mock scorn over Dana's faltering on NaBloPoMo, and my husband uttered the unspeakable.

"I bet in three years this won't matter so much anymore."
I remained silent, so he continued to explain himself better.

"I mean you probably won't be blogging in three years. You won't care about stuff like that because you'll be too busy chasing after our kids."

Blogging is a lifeline right now. I don't know if it'll be a lifeline for me in a few years, but it matters now. Now while my life is changing every time I blink.

That was the question

To blog or not to blog. That was the question. I read other people's blogs daily. Sometimes I comment on them, but mostly I just lurk. I envy their outlet for energy and expression. Most of the time, I feel like there's no way in hell my writing could ever compare. But then again, who would I be writing for? So I've decided that I will blog just for myself. I'm not expecting comments. Ever. In my head, I'll pretend that this is just an online journal that only I can see.

In reality, my life's not outrageously entertaining, and I'm not looking for companionship over the ether. But there are times when I feel the need for someone to talk to. Someone to vent to. Someone to tell stupid little stories to. So you, dear blog, will suffice. I will treasure you. I will cherish you. I'll almost always be honest, and I promise to try not to be too whiny and bitchy. Geez. That kind of sounds like my wedding vows.

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