Friday, April 18, 2008

Scribbling: Composure

The Sunday Scribble this week is Compose. Check out their website for links to see what other people did with this writing prompt.

Frustration. At first I just felt frustrated. I was mad at my body and horrified at the prospect of a lifetime of issues. Varicose veins in my "area" that aren't caused by pregnancy? Weak connective tissue in my pelvic floor?

Yesterday as I sat bottomless on the exam table with a pink paper drape on my lap, my legs swinging like a little girl, I realized why this whole ordeal has been jarring: I'm having to consider things on a long-term basis rather than just ride the roller coaster of short-term dramas. I gained a new perspective.

Even with the issues with my pregnancies, I knew they wouldn't last forever. Eventually, I wouldn't be pregnant anymore. One way or another, "this too shall pass." And it did. I have my babies now.

When I worked, I'd so easily get bogged down in the day-to-day soap operas of the cubicle farm. We'd have a disagreement or a situation with a project, and I'd be so upset and so insistent on getting my own way. But you know what? I don't work there anymore.

And it doesn't take much to remember all the ups and downs and sidesteps and earthquakes that came with the relationships I had before I met my husband. You all were saved from hearing about those dramas, but believe me, they were intense. They seemed so darned important and vital to me, but in retrospect, they didn't really matter. A rough few months after a break-up, and I could move on. It wasn't a permanent state of being.

So forgive me if I feel a little bit shaken by the prospect of a permanent drama, something that will not be fading into the ether in a few months or in a year. For the rest of my life, I will be managing my pelvic floor prolapse issues. There are things I can do to help, but it'll always have to be a consideration.

And yet, in examining and contemplating this state of existence, I feel myself nudged into a new state of grace. I imagine myself shaken and bumped and rolled around a nest of day-to-day stings and lifelong thorns, but I'm seeking a new composure, a new maturity. I'm walking into a new horizon of *gasp* adulthood where I won't keep thinking that things will be different in a few years, where I won't keep hoping that "this too shall pass."

Because you know what? Some things just don't pass. Some stay. And life goes on despite. And I can't stay in a perpetual state of drama and anxiety. *deep breath*

The important parts of life matter more. I recognized one yesterday as I walked and played with my little family. I threw my shoulders back and reveled in the permanence of our life together. I felt centered and fulfilled. I felt blessed. I felt an inner stillness and silence and simplicity, and that one sensation is infinitely healing and calming.