Her Favorite Color is Yellow

I thought of naming Anna "Sunny." She is loving yellow above all other colors now, so maybe it was an appropriate name to consider. The way her personality is developing, "Sunny" might be a great nickname for her.

Happy St. Urho's Day to the folks out there who know about him! As a 100% Finnish person, it's my duty to spread the Finnish cheer and craziness at all times. Heinäsirkka, heinäsirkka, mene täältä hiiteen!

The kids and I are going to the library soon. Time to refresh my audiobook selections, and it'll be nice to get the kids out of the house.

Anna is looking out the window and waving bye-bye to all the cars that go past.

And she has a new word! "owie"

How cute is that? She's been constipated lately, and it hurts when she poops. She'll run to me, grab her butt and yell "OWIE!!" over and over again. And when she fell down, she started crying and saying "Owie!"

I think it's terribly appropriate that her first two words while living in this house were "Tickle" and "Owie." After all, she does have Ben for a big brother.

Ben's vocabulary is tremendous now. The other day he was eating a piece of pizza. After the first bite, he said, "That's delicious!" I was thunderstruck.

It's really not surprising. I try not to limit the words he's exposed to. When we do the "what word does this letter start?" game while playing in the bathtub with the foam letters, I get creative. I add at least two big words to the list of simple ones each time. "U" "U starts words like umbrella, under, ubiquitous, and uvula. "X" "X starts words like xray, xylophone, and xenophobia." "B" "B starts words like boy, ball, Ben, baby, big, burgeoning, backwards, and bicker." "A" "A starts words like apple, after, antelope, apricot, affection, apathy, and analytical."

Chris gets a big kick out of it. We celebrated our 4-year wedding anniversary yesterday. We had a fantastic date and went to sleep safe in the knowledge of our wonderful relationship that grows deeper and sweeter every day.

When we were leaving for our date last night and getting the kids ready for their own playdate at Katie's house, I glanced at the door and saw the following picture. I shrieked and burst out laughing. Anna decided it would be appropriate to wear our firefighter helmet with her spring jacket. It was the perfect image of our comedic genius, the Amazing Anna Girl.

The Romance From Afar

As many of you know, Chris and I married after being matched up by eharmony. We committed to each other very quickly for reasons we're not really sure of. We just went with our intuition, and thankfully, it's worked out well for us. We'll be married four years this March, and we're still finding new reasons to love each other every day.

Silly Valentine's Day. I'm not an overly sentimental, mushy person. I don't hold onto many keepsakes, and I don't think those reminiscings are all that important. What is important is the day to day love and kindness and grace. Waking up every day with a commitment to someone, with shared dreams and lives.

Forgive me, then, if I take a moment to reminisce on the mysterious origins of my marriage. A couple weeks ago Chris was going through his emails, and he came across one of the first emails I sent to him after we graduated from the eharmony process. I thought you might get a kick out of an excerpt:

I came into work this morning, shivering from the cold. I had to wait
fifteen minutes in my car for the darn thing to warm up enough to melt the
frost off the windshield. And I refuse to get out the ice scraper before
November. I'm dressed in khaki pants, leather sandals, and a huge yellow
sweatshirt that says "Big Daddy" on the front. (It's one of the thousands of
products we sell, and I got it for five bucks. I find it amusing). I combed
my hair but didn't wash it. Left off the makeup. Didn't even brush my teeth
yet. Just crawled over here to check my email.

There are two people I'm corresponding with on a regular/serious basis right
now. You and a guy named Ben who lives about 45 minutes from me. For the
past month after I shoved myself onto the market, I've been juggling. And
I've narrowed down the field to you two. And I have to be honest. I want
you. I sat down here at my desk, read through the latest email from Ben that
was sent to my work account. And he mentioned that I shouldn't be surprised
if he called me this morning. And then I got online and checked my hotmail
account, and there you were. As alive and pulsing as anybody... so real and
tangible even though you really are just words on a screen. Halfway through
your email, with my pulse racing and an idiotic grin spread across my face,
my damn cell phone rings. And it's Ben.

He's a very nice guy... incredibly stable. Owns his own home. Has a loving
and great family. And if you weren't holding me so close to your heart, I'd
probably throw myself at him. Which would be a mistake. Because no matter
how ideal he appears, "it" just isn't there. That divine spark of knowing.
The flutter. The chemistry and pheremones that glues me to your emails.

We'll figure out the rest. What matters most is the connection we have
already. This nameless force, this thread that seems to bind us together,
even though we probably haven't been closer than a thousand miles to each
other. We could probably ignore it. And move on. But I don't want to. I feel
deep within my body that you're mine already. That it's a foregone
conclusion. Does this scare you?

Happy Month o' Love Everyone!

The Universe is Heavy Tonight

It might be the dull layer of chest cold that is hovering over me. It might be the oppressive humidity that sticks to your skin like watermelon juice. It might be the melodramatic, beautiful music I'm listening to on iTunes (Damien Rice). The mania of a little boy discovering the sprinkler for the first time this summer has mellowed into a quiet heaviness.

Nothing is ever really easy. You know the saying that goes something like, "True love shouldn't be hard"? I've never bought that. If your relationship is so easy that it never feels like an effort, you are incredibly special. I've never had an "easy" relationship because of this dang monologue that is always going on in my head. This absolutely singular "me" that remains nestled under the mommy-ness and the wife-ness sometimes tries to briefly forget the happy commitments that make my life secure.

My life is not in turmoil. My marriage is solid. We appreciate each other every day, I express my gratitude for his awesomeness every day. I revel in his adoration like settling into a warm, cozy featherbed on a winter's night.

Still, the universe is heavy tonight.

Let's lift the mood a bit. We started Anna on a course of gentian violet last night. That awful purple/blue dye that stains everything. The nystatin is a pain in the butt. I'm a dedicated, attentive mother, but I have a hard time remembering to give her a dose four times a day for two weeks. So instead of going through another course of the sticky goo, I decided I'd rather deal with the Purple Monster for four days. It's cute.

Anna is doing well in her new sleeping area in the dining room. She seems comfortable in there, and she's been sleeping soundly. She still wakes every couple of hours, but she's able to fall back asleep with some butt pats from Chris. Last night, she had a harder time getting to sleep after our night feeding, but I think that was an anomoly in our new system and was probably due to the humidity.

I was playing laptop games in the dining room tonight after I put Anna down. She wasn't sound asleep yet, and it seemed to comfort her that she could see me nearby as she drifted off. Ben came into the room a couple of times to see me. On the third time, he noticed Anna sleeping in the crib.

"Shhhh," he whispered to me with wide eyes.

With a smile, he started pushing his little chair over to the crib so he could climb up and peek in at her. It was a charming idea, but very detrimental to the continuity of Anna's sleep, so I stopped him, but I was delighted. "Shhh." He's never said that before.

When the weather cools off this weekend, Chris and I are going for a marathon stroller walk. He borrowed some discman speakers from a friend, and we're going to listen to an audiobook as we walk. We're hoping it will be good incentive to walk longer than we normally do, and to walk more often to hear the story. Our first trek will be three miles.

It's Like A Spinach Lasagna Toss

I threw together an awesome vegetarian skillet dish tonight called a spinach lasagna toss. Starting with finely chopped onions, adding in garlic, halved grape tomatoes, chopped mushrooms, frozen spinach, a little sauce, then strips of cooked lasagna noodles, folded all together, served with a dusting of parmesan cheese and a great big dollop of ricotta cheese.

It was heaven on my plate. We blended some up for Anna, and she thought it was awful.

My post for tonight is something like my lasagna toss. A whole bunch of stuff that would be kind of boring on its own, thrown together, maybe it might turn out okay.

The thing is, I don't feel like I have a lot to blog about nowadays. It's sad. I'm interacting more with the public more than ever, but I feel small and insignificant, and it's harder and harder for me to notice bloggable moments.

What I do have is a bunch of cute pictures of my kids. Instead of just giving you a post with just those, I figured I'd insert the pictures into random spots in this monologue.

Last week, I went to my first group meeting where we actually got stuff accomplished, and it didn't feel strained or awkward, like a bunch of people sitting around trying to brainstorm. It was synergy. It happened. It felt ... thrilling.

It was a Citizen Wausau editorial board meeting. In the course of an hour and fifteen minutes, we talked through several issues, came up with many new ideas, and we probably did what might have taken us months to accomplish. I am proud to have been a part of that meeting.

That's the thing. I don't feel like a lead weight with this group. I feel like I'm a part of it, like what I say matters, like it's natural. Walking away from the meetings, I feel taller, and my heart is quiet. My brain feels ordered and like a well-oiled gear set.

Another aspect of my life that I'm trying to figure out is Dino. He's one of the co-founders of Citizen Wausau, and he's a puzzle, at least in regards to how he fits. He's so open and honest and without filter. He calls it living out loud, feeling out loud, and it took a little to get used to. At first I thought he was just crazy, rather bipolar. Now? Eh. Who knows.

Honestly? I've spent more time than I'd care to admit chatting with him. Not because he's odd, but because I'm married. I'm not sure how this works, this friendship with a man who isn't my husband. The only reason I haven't put the old kibosh on it is that there isn't a lot of sexual tension, though heaven knows I'm stimulated by this man. Mentally.

He is so intensely interesting to talk to. Sometimes, he reminds me so much of Mitch, my brother. They have the same insanely curious minds, absorbing as much information, as many experiences as possible. He's fascinating, with the breadth of his wide-reaching world. A giant personality, a huge ego, tempered by self-deprecating humor and sometimes shy humility.

So this "puzzle." It's fun, though with all the interesting people he knows, I can't figure out why he's spent so much time talking to me. Me. ME. Happily, I seem to be confused enough by the presence of another man in my life, that I've been overcompensating with Chris, and our marriage is nicer. That's sweet; we needed the boost.

Working again, even part-time, changes things with us. The balance of chores has changed, and we fight often and hard about stupid things like whose turn it is to hold Anna in the evenings or why I haven't put the laundry away yet. Because I'm proofing again (and rating a paycheck), the other stuff I do, like blog and write and do stupid word games on Facebook, not to mention quilt, isn't worth as much anymore.

When can I do it? In the evenings when Chris is home to hold Anna and run interference with Ben. And then I'm neglecting the kids, regardless of whether I'd been working that day or at home. I know. Stupid stuff. We're figuring out ways to appreciate each other more, and finding little romantic ways to touch base every once in a while.

The thing I can't blog about? My recovery from rectocele surgery. It's been a few weeks since I was eight weeks post-op, when everything should be back to normal. It's not. Right now, I'm using the fact that I'm breastfeeding and not producing a lot of estrogen to explain our "problem." I'm investing a great deal of hope in the idea that when I eventually wean Anna, my body will work again, but right now, I seem to be falling into the sixty percent of surgery patients who have problems with painful "relations" after surgery because of scar tissue.

It's sad that when I'm daydreaming and nightmaring about being accosted by a group of dangerous men with nefarious intentions when I'm alone with the kids somewhere or alone in an abandoned cubicle farm with my red pens, I'm less frightened of the emotional scarring than I am of the physical pain that would happen. When I was younger, I used to wonder if I could talk a potential rapist out of assaulting me if I told him I had my period, if I had a tampon in. Why would he want to deal with that? Right? He'd just leave me alone. That's what this feels like, but the problem is less obvious to anyone else.

Anyway. We'll figure something out. We're hoping it's not a permanent situation.

Coming up in the Life of Cheryl will be the slow installation of more ceiling fans throughout the house. I used to hate ceiling fans because I felt they were horrible for chi and for the decor. Then I grew up and realized that they are incredibly smart little machines.

We have one in our living room, and it's brilliant. We'll be eventually buying one for our bedroom, our kitchen, Ben's room and probably even our dining room. I'm hoping it'll make a big difference in our lives this summer, especially in the rooms where we can't install a window A/C unit.

And that brings me to bedtime, folks. It's been lovely chatting with you about all this stuff. I hope you have a wonderful day.

This Is Love

You know the honeymoon is over when you keep getting a whiff of stink, and you finally ask your husband to smell your armpits. "Smells fine to me." Then you smell his. "Nope, not your pits." Then you smell his crotch. "Not overly stinky." Then he smells yours. "Not stinky."

This is obviously love, folks.

We often wonder how eharmony really knew that we would be a good match. How did it know our personalities would mesh so well? How did it know that our sense of humor would be amplified in the presence of the other?

Who would have thought that a computer nerd from Tucson and a proofreader from Wisconsin would come together so well and make such perfect children together who were not hit hard with the ugly stick?

Being parents to Ben and Anna is our favorite part of life. Watching Chris delight in my children, giggle at Anna, rest his head against Ben's... Ah. That's the sweetness in life.

This year also revealed a new dimension to our relationship. We are challenging each other daily on our weight loss goals. Partners, compatriots, coaches. I'm so proud of him for every time he makes a decision to break an old habit, every time he trudges out of the house at six am to go work out at the Y before work. He's melting before my eyes.

Even our discussions about his job fill me with a certain joy. The overwhelming tech lingo gets a little ... well ... horribly annoying ... but the discussions about what he can do about things that bug him at work, how he can relate to someone, how he can change his perspective on something. We talk about something, and then he comes back later with a report on an important step he took in a positive direction. It's thrilling to know that he actually values my advice on matters beyond diaper cream and toddler meals.

If you were to stop by our house this weekend to wish us a Happy Anniversary!!, you might see the following, which I feel kind of sums up where we are in our life together right now:


It's the dry erase board where we write down our grocery list during the week. He started the chaos by adding "Bongo drums" to his list of milk, tortillas and formula. I added "hockey stick." It went from there. Every day we'd add something new ourselves and giggle at what the other wrote. This is our marriage: the melding of the practical and the comedic relief.

Happy 3-Year Anniversary, dear one. Thank you for the nightly back scratches, for leaving the toilet seat down, for not stealing the covers *all the time*, and for letting me be the crazy-ass person that I am. **Nuzzle**

Absence Makes The Heart Grow

So I'm getting into the second night of my vacation here at Nana's. While it hasn't always been restful and stress-free (thanks to the children of course), it has been interesting. We've been learning all about T-Tapp this afternoon and evening, and we just finished the basic instruction video. It's really incredible stuff. Such basic exercises done a tiny bit differently. Makes all the difference. Just 15 minutes, and most of my muscles are fatigued and twitchy, and my body feels warm all over. Wow.

I miss Chris. There's no denying it. I miss having him near me, and I really REALLY appreciate how much he helps me in the evenings. I had such a hard time with Ben last night... being in a strange bed in a bedroom that he can get out of. Eventually, I was sitting in there with him, bawling my eyes out. I was so tired and miserable. And I knew the evening wasn't over yet. I still had to finish getting Anna settled for sleep.

I finally gave up trying to get him to stay in the bedroom and sleep. Really. I just stayed in bed and pretended I didn't hear him. I figured there weren't any guns or knives or scissors at his level, so just let him run around the dark house on his own until he passes out. I didn't care anymore. Luckily, Nana was still up, putzing around, and she managed to get him to sleep.

I am so darned dependent on my husband. I don't know what I'd do without him. He's a freaking saint. It's funny, though, what passes as love notes after nearly three years of marriage. Too busy to sit and email me, he's shown his love in other ways:

"Look honey. I made the bed."

"I'm packed up and off to the gym. I love you."

"All the dishes are done, too."

"Aaron was late because he got pulled over, so I had time to fix the gate."

Ahhh. Music to soothe the disgruntled wifely heart. He sure knows how to sweet talk a lady.

The Banana Epiphany

Me: Hey Chris. Did you know that our children's names together say "Banana?"
Chris gives me a puzzled look.
Me: "Ben. Anna. Benanna. Banana."
He rolls his eyes at me.
Me: "This is what I spend my days coming up with. What do you do?"
Chris: "Go to work. Earn money for the house and the family."
Me: *scoff* "Eh. Not nearly as important or as interesting as benanna."



Anna, 13 days old

The Moon and I

We had a good time. Chris and I together, Ben and his Nana.

Ben had a few rough moments of sadness and melancholy with my mom, but overall, was excited and thrilled to be around all of her toys. She has a piano, for goodness sakes, and that's just about the most exciting thing in the world. She was happy to report that Ben didn't pound on the keys like other children. He approached the piano with reverence and delicacy -- exactly how I did when I was his age. My mother predicts a future with years of piano lessons.

He did well without us. When we arrived to pick him up yesterday morning, he didn't run to us to give us hugs. Instead, he ran to gather up all the new toys to show us. Eventually, we got hugs, but not before we were shown every last piece of wonderful that he'd discovered.

When we finally got home, he was a cranky maniac, but that was to be expected. Life with Nana is a very different from the pace of life at our house, and he was overwhelmed by the switch. He slept through the night, though, and I'm hoping that'll restart his batteries.

As for our babymoon, we had a wonderfully romantic time together. As romantic of a time that could be had with a wife who is on pelvic rest. Needs were met, however, and we focused on intimacy rather than wild, carnal lust. We explored the little tourist town we had chosen, ate terrific meals, read books down by the water, swam in the pool, napped, watched cable TV (luxury), and basically just enjoyed each other's company.

A funny moment. When we checked into the hotel, we saw the heated pool and our hearts sank because we hadn't packed our swimming suits. The pool seemed like a really good idea to my tired, pregnant body, so we drove to the next big town to see if there were any swimming suits left in stock. There weren't. So we drove another hour to pick up suits where we knew we could find some... our house. That little escapade took four hours out of our first day, but it was worth it. We loved our time in the pool. Chris joked that next time, we should choose a destination at least two hours away so we won't be tempted to run back home for things we forgot.

It's Friday morning now, and my life starts over again. I feel refreshed and okay about that. I missed Ben's giggle. I missed my own bed. I missed my laptop.

**On a side note to Dana and anyone else who may be confused about the name thing. Chris is Chester and Chester is Chris. When I first started my blog, he requested that I not use his real name (Chris). He's a curmudgeon sometimes. Anyway. I decided that once I quit my job to become a SAHM, I wouldn't bother with the charade anymore, and Chester was rebaptized as Chris. **

Lost That Loving Feeling

Not quite, but sometimes it's hard.

I'm just starting to get my libido back in gear after the first trimester slump. I had no desire for sex, and I didn't even want to be bothered with putting up with it for my husband's sake. I pretty much just said, "Leave me alone," and rolled over.

Then HB happened again. He's my flirt friend at work. Even though I know he flirts with pretty much every lady at the company, I still get a special feeling when he tosses a compliment my way. Face it, I'm not traditionally beautiful. I'm overweight with moderate-to-severe acne. I don't really have a self-esteem problem; I just know not to expect the fawning attention and admiring glances that my more attractive counterparts receive.

So even if HB doesn't reserve his compliments for me alone, it didn't stop me from developing a tiny crush. I get all flushed with excitement when he says something especially nice. And usually, the attention makes me more receptive to my husband.

But Friday night, instead of cuddling up closer to him, we fought. I don't even remember what it was about. I just remember crying myself to sleep and feeling oh-so lonely and wishing I had someone who wasn't such a jerk and who appreciated me... like HB.

Mind you, adultery makes me want to vomit. There's no chance in hell I'd respond to romantic gestures from someone other than my husband. So on Saturday, I had a tiny epiphany.

You're stuck with your spouse, and you have to try to get what you need from that person or you have to adjust your needs.

So that's what I told my husband. He's been complaining A LOT lately about how emotional I've been. And I told him he'd have to adjust his expectations. I'm pregnant, and I'm hormonal and emotional. I'll do my best to be nice to him and to Ben, but there are some attitudes I can't control immediately. I told him that if he gets frustrated, he should take me up on my offers to stay home with Ben while he goes for a bike ride.

I made him go for two bike rides over the weekend, and it really helped. Spending time apart, even for just an hour, helped.

I couldn't pinpoint exactly what I wasn't getting from Chester, and I didn't overanalyze the point. I think just keeping the new mantra in my head helped me feel better about our relationship.

And my dreams became sweeter. And I finally came back to the proverbial marriage bed with love and joy and did what married people are allowed to do. The crazy circus sex dream helped, though.

Happy Two-Year Anniversary To Me

Today is our 2-year wedding anniversary, so I figured I'd expound on the wonders of our marriage.

I still think it was pretty much an arranged marriage, courtesy of eharmony. Seriously. He lived in Tucson, and besides talking on the phone daily, we only saw each other twice before I flew myself down there to marry the guy. It's crazy to think about.

We went into the relationship with our cards (and baggage) on the table. We both wanted security, commitment, marriage and a family. I wasn't willing to move, but he wanted a colder climate. I've done some awful things in my past, but so has he. I have a fear of abandonment, and so does he. Etc. The cards. The baggage. Out there.

I hated his hair when I first met him. He had a greasy, long blonde ponytail that went down his back. Pulled tight. Shaved up the sides. And he was balding a bit. Totally hated his hair. I didn't ask him to cut it, but the gods smiled on me, and about four months into our long-distance relationship, he decided that as a symbol of moving on to the next phase of his life, he'd chop it off. And I think he's handsome now. Sigh of relief.

He also had a BO problem that was part of his baggage. I wasn't willing to accept this as a way of life, though. And I seriously think it was something in the atmosphere or something that he ate down there, because once he was moved up here to Wisconsin, he wasn't very stinky. Of course I made sure that he showered every day AND wore deodorant.

I'm a crazy, neurotic person who usually has to be medicated to function in normal society. I was also a smoker. I'm not sure I'm any less neurotic (although now I don't always need medication), but I did quit smoking for him. I still miss it, and it's been more than two years. But I don't miss a lot of things about smoking. The money, the smell, the need to stand outside in the bitter cold WI winters.

So we brought two slighty disfunctional people together and made a marriage. We quickly developed routines, and we prefer each other's company to that of others most of the time. We like the same things, and we don't argue a lot. And we both love our son, and we both are looking forward to meeting this new little baby.

The man treats me like a princess. He loves going out of his way to do nice things for me, and every single evening, he scratches my back for at least five to ten minutes. And since I like back scratches better than back massages, it's a good match.

He's very affectionate and gets all giddy when I hold hands with him in public. He likes cuddling almost more than I do, and he lets me have five pillows on my side of the bed.

He loves his job, and doesn't mind putting in overtime. He loves doing projects around the house, and even finishes them sometimes.

He's wonderful. And he's very different from my father.

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, but he makes a lousy husband. When I was a little girl, I kept hoping my parents would get a divorce so the fighting would stop. My dad is a workaholic, and he has very traditional views of a man's role and a woman's role in the house. So my mom stayed at home, and her number one job was catering to his every whim. Coffee on time, dinner in front of the tv, chocolate milk, keeping the kids as quiet as possible while he was around, not talking about her faith, etc. When my mom wouldn't do something right, he'd call her a dipshit, and say that she's worthless. Every day of my life growing up. It sucked. Sure, he didn't hit her or us, but the verbal abuse still rings in my ears today.

Once he was older and found a company he enjoyed working for, he mellowed out a little bit, but his incapability to be a loving and supportive husband (let alone father) continued. The fighting wouldn't be every day, but at least once a week.

A couple years ago, mom took him to the emergency room because of a cold that wasn't getting any better. He was admitted to the ICU and needed 8 pints of blood. Why? Congestive heart failure and colon cancer. After the surgeries and the chemotherapy, he is actually much better to be around, and my mom is happier. He's more relaxed and more easy going. And he gets coffee for my mom every day, and he seems to delight in his grandchildren. At Thanksgiving, they announced that they will not get divorced now. After forty years of marriage, they figure it'd be easier to just stay together.

And Chester is nothing like him. My husband will do his share of the chores when I remind him to, and he loves making my life easier. He doesn't ever call me names, and he doesn't avoid spending time with our son. He cherishes us like we are his treasures, and he is very much a family man. We are his number one priority. And I love him for it.

I'm the one who has to be careful not to turn into my father. I try to adjust the way I work with Chester so that I'm nothing like my dad. It's tough. I catch myself being very irritated and short tempered with him. Sometimes I get so frustrated, I want to call him a bad name and put a pound of scorn behind it. I love being treated like a princess, and I have to remind myself that I can't make Chester do everything.

So our marriage has become a constant competition to be sweeter, more loving, more generous and kinder every day. It's not a bad way to live.

Baby It's Snowy Outside, One Small Leap

Chester was busy digging us out of the remnants of yesterday's snowstorm this morning. About six inches of solid, wet snow. Practically slush. It was almost impossible to use the snowblower. The thrower tube kept clogging.

Yesterday, we put an offer in on the Climbing Tree house. They have until Wednesday to accept or reject the offer. Of course I hope they accept. It's for five thousand under the listing price, appliances included.

After that business, we dropped Ben back off at daycare and went on a little date. Can you believe we had never been to a movie together before? We saw The Pursuit of Happyness with Will Smith. It was a very nice movie. It made me cry. Both with pity and joy at different times.

It reminded us about how lucky we are. We have a roof over our heads. Warm beds. Plenty of food. Secure jobs. And each other. Our life is so easy, so blessed. Though most times we're living paycheck to paycheck, and we don't have any savings in the bank, we don't have to worry about having a place to sleep or food to eat.

And not only that, we're in pursuit of our own happiness by buying a house. It's all coming together. We took a huge leap and got married, even though we didn't really know that much about each other. It was pure instinct. Our hearts said "Yes, this is the one for you." And we trusted that. Then, even though it took Chester five months to get a job after he moved here, we still started planning a family right away. I was already pregnant before he finally found a job.

Now, we're leaping again. We're buying a house together.

I can't help but privately think about what my life would be like if I had remained with my ex-fiance Scott. He was an actor, brilliantly intelligent, but emotionally troubled and insecure. Definitely not financially solvent. Didn't have a car. But he was the only one I had met who could match me at Scrabble and Trivial Pursuit. He kept putting off moving up here from Milwaukee and getting married.

Thank God he did. The weekend before he was to make the plunge and move in with me, he left a message on my voice mail while I was at the gym. He had just talked to me before I left for the gym. I was blindsided. He said that I was a wonderful person, but it didn't feel right.

I started all my leaps after that. I screamed and hollered for a few hours, but it didn't last long. I moved into a new apartment the week after. And I started going online to personals sites. Including Eharmony. I had a few dates with some local guys. A few months after the voicemail, I finished the eharmony communication levels with a guy from Tucson. And we talked on the phone for the first time on a Saturday morning.

I had gone into work to play online. I gave him my phone number at work, and he called me. That first phone call was magical. We started finishing each other's sentences. It was such an easy conversation, even though we talked about some difficult issues. Right away, we dug all the skeletons out of our closets. We dragged out all of our baggage and laid it all out. We went into the relationship with open eyes.

Within a few days, we knew we would go ahead and get married. I did a background check on him (I'm not a complete idiot or romantic). A few weeks later I flew down to Phoenix to spend the weekend with him.

Leap. I was so nervous walking down the terminal to where he was waiting past the security gates. I was on my cell phone, and he was coaxing me further. It took about half an hour. I kept stopping to sit down and cry and freak out a little. Eventually, we stood face to face. The rest is history. Our history together. A history of leaps and risks and courage and blind faith. And a whole bunch of foolish sentimentality.

It's worked for us. We have Ben. We still get along. We still feel like we're honeymooning.

And we're buying a house!!!!! Yay!!

Monday Morning Ramblings

This afternoon is the Thanksgiving dinner lunch at Ben's daycare. Chester and I are going, and we'll enjoy having lunch with Ben and sitting on the itty bitty chairs while we eat small portions of mediocre, bland food. Its a daycare. It's not Martha Stewart's house.

I'm feeling kind of frisky today. Without thinking about it, I flirted with one of my male co-workers. I never do that. While I was walking down the hall to the breakroom to refill my water bottle, Henry was about eight steps behind me. "I'm following you," he said. "Are you enjoying yourself?" I asked. "Yes, thank you," he replied. Dangerous ground there. But of course, having your husband work in the same building with you provides certain unspoken boundaries. I would never consider having an adulterous relationship, but even if other people considered starting one with me, having Chester around every day creates a nice buffer zone.

This morning I woke up forty-five minutes early to start reading one of the books I borrowed from the library yesterday. As I was throwing on my nightie and robe, I walked into Ben's room to make sure the little rascal was covered and warm. He was sitting there, smiling his cute little head off. So we went and played on the living room floor instead of reading. He loves looking at his books, but he can't stand to watch other people read books that he's not allowed to taste and tear. It's an anti-literacy council right in our own house.

My sister called me last night to chat about the birth of Gage. It was no wonder she ended up with an emergency C-section. With every contraction, her blood pressure went sky high, and they were very worried about seizures and strokes. Nearer the end, Gage's heart was decelerating too. When they finally pulled him out, he had the cord wrapped around his neck twice.

Other than all that, nothing much is happening. The Packers lost big time yesterday, and there are a lot of cranky people at work.

Moody Marriage Woes

My husband and I are sneaking off in a little while to go vote.

Something's a little off between us. I wish I could figure out what it is. We've never really analyzed our marriage dynamic, we just live it and let it evolve. Since we didn't really date before getting married (thank you eharmony), living together and being married has been an adventure in relationships.

I met Chester on eharmony in September of 2004. He was from Tucson, a computer geek of the highest order. We could read each other's minds even during our first phone conversation. We "clicked." I did a background check, learned about his parents, his past, his issues. He learned about mine. I knew I was going to marry him. I flew out to Tucson a month later. He flew out to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving to meet my family. Then we enjoyed a long-distance, over-the-phone relationship until March, when I flew back out to Tucson to help him pack up his stuff and move to Wisconsin. We had a little engagement/pre-marriage party in Tucson. Got married during a freak blizzard in Santa Fe. Honeymooned a little bit at bed and breakfasts between Arizona and Wisconsin. Had another party for my family here in WI.

So started our life together. It only took us a month and a half to get pregnant. 35 weeks later, Ben arrived and enriched our lives to no end.

I love my husband dearly. He and I co-exist together very well. We share a lot of laughs and love.

But sometimes, of course, I wish I could take a break from being married. It's so difficult to share a living space with someone.

Dammit, I'm moody. I don't always know "what's wrong." I've been tense about the whole getting pregnant again thing. Ben hasn't been sleeping through the night lately because he's teething. My boss at work just miscarried. We're broke, and since I'm the one who pays the bills, it's my fault. It's Chester's turn to do the dishes and he's been working at them a little bit every night, but now the dishes at the bottom of the sink are fetid and really stinky and that pisses me off to no end. Our mattress is really uncomfortable, but we can't afford a new one until spring. Because we're broke, I wasn't able to send my nephew a birthday card with money in it (like I normally do), and he's 13 years old now, and that's big deal.

None of my problems are serious, and I really try to not let them affect my daily life and my relationships. I know that Chester has his own issues right now that make him curmudgeonly as well. Put the two of us in the same small apartment with a whiny boy who's on a hunger strike because of his teeth, and you get things being a little "off." Life's not flowing smoothly.

I'm sure it'll even out soon.