Blessing the Nana

I know I blog about my mom a lot. I can't help it. She's a big part of our lives, and she's my best friend.

This summer she's dedicated herself to coming down every single Wednesday for 10 weeks to watch BenAnna so I can go to work without having to pay for daycare. It's such a relief, and such a blessing.

That's on top of countless other ways she blesses us. She cooks meals for us, takes us grocery shopping, loves our children immeasurably. I'm left with an overwhelming drive to bless her back.

Last weekend, we went up north to spend Memorial Day with my parents. After the house survived a very close lightning strike, we found an easy opportunity to bless them. Chris was able to step right in and figure out the computer mess.

We woke up the next morning and, with their permission, cleaned out their garage, which hadn't been cleaned for over 10 years. It was hard, dirty labor, but we weren't upset about that. It just felt so good to help them. Okay. I'll be honest. It was VERY dirty work, and I swore a few times... like when I found a dead mouse.

This past week, Chris was busy getting their new Mac Mini set up and working. That's right. My parents have given in to the dark side and have purchased the beautiful, dual-boot Mac Mini. The best of both worlds. We're thrilled because it means that we can remote into their machine if it breaks.

We went up there again on Saturday to set it up. While Chris was putting together the finishing touches on their new system, my mom asked me to go through the piles of paper and things that had been stashed in the desk. It was enough to fill a laundry basket. Lots when into the burnables bag, but I organized the rest into a filing system.

If you were following me on Twitter, you'll have a hint at the other Bless Nana Project I've been working on. My mom is the area president for her Aglow women's group. It's a Christian organization for women that meets every month with various speakers. She recently found herself without a publicity person, and I offered to fill in, eventually taking on the job permanently.

I designed a logo and put together a couple templates for the monthly poster and the postcards. That was fun. The upsettedness (it's a word) happened when I tried to do a mail merge in Microsoft Word.

I've never been a fan of Word. I find the invisible, automatic formatting to be clumsy and counter-intuitive. That's fancy talk for: I can't use it. Chris finally saved the day, and the merge eventually happened. Over a hundred postcards later, she's set for June. The good news is, once the dang template is set up, I shouldn't have any problem next month.

So that's the fun that happens when I get to do stuff for my mom. Highs and lows. Compliments from my mom about my technical writing capabilities (that made my whole week, by the way). A new computer. An organized garage that's almost clean enough for Ben to play in. Heck yeah!

Remember This

We don't see Chris's family that often. Before our recent trip to Oregon, we hadn't seen his parents since Ben was six months old. That's what happens when you find a husband two thousand miles away from where you live and force him (willing or otherwise) to transplant himself to the snowy tundra of Wisconsin. We had four solid days of family time. I'll tell you what I will (or want to) remember, in no particular order. (Photos from our trip at bottom of post.)

1. Their dog, Mitzy, got so jealous about having kids in the house. She actually spent a good deal of time on BJ's lap, which isn't something she does normally. Ben wasn't mean to her or anything like that, but the kids definitely stole most of her alloted attention time.

2. Driving to Ashland, OR, to see the beautiful Lithia Park. That little town is so darn adorable to begin with. Add to it a top-notch, gorgeous park that looks well-loved by the community, and I'm swooning. The permanent structures weren't new or modern. They looked ancient and well-preserved. Definitely the kind of place I'd love to have in my own community. A park that won't change from generation to generation.

3. Meeting the uncles and cousins and learning the family history. It's a complex story, and I got a lot of the names and connections sorted out in my head thanks to BJ. Quirky, amusing and kind. That's how I'll sum them all up. The kind of people who would become my best friends if I lived in the area, and that's saying a lot, considering how few friends I let in my life.

4. The breast issues. I learned a lot about what causes breast pain. The yeast infection may not have been yeast after all. I finally lanced a large blood blister on the tip, and a chunk of dried milk the size of Anna's pinky nail squeezed out after the blood drained. It was messy and disgusting and not advised because you should never drain a blister, but the pressure relief was immediate. By the next day, the pain was minimal, and I kept swabbing on the gentian violet to keep it from getting infected. Last night, the scab finally came off. Oh, and gentian violet stains everything it touches, especially fabric of any kind.

5. Ben woke up Friday morning very grouchy and clingy. He didn't want to do anything but cuddle, and he was hot to the touch. Despite this, we bundled up the kids and went out for breakfast. Ben vomited while we were looking at our menus. After Daddy cleaned him up, we ate hurriedly while Ben sat cuddled against Daddy, wrapped in Daddy's sweatshirt. A l.o.n.g. nap and an entire jug of pedialyte, and Ben was up and running (literally) by dinner time. He was also eating everything within reach.

6. My dear husband beat me at Scrabble Sunday night. I forgive him, and we agreed that it was only because Uncle John helped him. It had been years since I played because no one will play me around here. When various family members tired of pinochle, we started playing Scrabble. It was a rousing game, and the competition was fierce. I tied for first place in the second game, but only because I went out first and gained all of the points left over from the other players' tiles. I wasn't in top form, and I'm ashamed. Seriously. Chris beat ME at Scrabble. The man who doesn't know there's a difference in spelling between since and sense. What the heck is the world coming to?

7. Date night with Chris was Saturday night. We intended to go to a Thai restaurant, but since the place looked dead, we decided not to risk it because we figured that if the place was any good, it would be hopping. We blackberried driving instructions to a recommended Chinese buffet place, and we eventually found it. The line for seating extended outside the door. Good sign. The food wasn't any better than what is available around here, but it was fun to have such a variety of things to try. We avoided anything fried and loaded up on the veggies. We couldn't find a grocery store (what is wrong with that town?), so we ended up raiding a chocolate shop in the mall for dessert noshes. We each picked out a little bag of different chocolates, and we took a bite of each kind before throwing out the bag. That way we got the experience of all that chocolate, but with fewer calories. We decided afterwards that cheesecake would have been better. Believe it or not, chocolate was a disappointment.

8. After we walked down the street to visit his grandparents, Ben had a wonderful time running around the house with a couple of dogs. They were chasing each other from room to room. So cute. Dixie's house was full of so many beautiful things to look at. I could have spent hours there, just exploring her walls.

9. Chris's aunt was the Anna whisperer. She had such a way with my kids, Anna especially. You know how Anna has her ultra-fussy times in the evenings where nothing makes her happy? Young managed to calm and soothe her time and time again. She's like baby valium.

10. The feeling that my kids are growing up too fast. We know that we probably won't see them again until Anna is a toddler and talking and Ben is in pre-school. Knowing that this time in their lives is so brief makes me cherish each of them even more. It makes me want to memorize every detail about what they are like at these ages. It makes me want to hold tightly to them, hug them more, shower them with kisses, and get on the floor and roll around a bit and enjoy their babyhoods.

***********************

Anna at five in the morning in the airport before we flew out of Wisconsin. It's impossible to be grouchy about getting up early when you get to see that cheery face.

Ben playing at the kid spot in our local airport before we went high in the sky like a bird. We kept the monkey on his back even when we weren't walking. He didn't mind.

This is Grandpa Jack trying to make Anna happy during one of her fuss fests. It was a valiant effort.

Home is where the "guck" is. Though Ben enjoyed playing with the toys that Grandma and Grandpa had, I think he felt more secure in a new environment when he could fiddle around with some toys from home. We surprised him with a little Lightning McQueen on the airplane, and he hasn't really put it down since.

Click Your Heels Three Times

And say... There's no place like home.

We made it back to Wausau last night around seven after being delayed in Chicago for a couple of hours due to the refreshing rain that turned into beautiful fluffy snow while we watched. No matter. We got home and so did our bags, and that's all that counts.

I'm so glad that I cleaned like a maniac before we left. It's so nice to come home to an organized house. It's also really amazing to unpack your bags and hang everything up because *it's clean already* since we kept doing laundry right up until we left. Small blessings with a big impact.

Despite totally pigging out on unhealthy foods on several occasions on our trip, I still managed to lose almost 3 pounds. Yeah. I don't have a clue. I made small efforts throughout our travels, but I completely expected that one slice of boston cream pie cake and the other more generous slice of reese's peanut butter cake to show up on the scale. It didn't, and for that I am truly grateful. Chris, the poor dear, went up a couple pounds.

That's okay. We're all heading back to the Y today to hop back on the wagon and the elliptical and get back to the business of weight loss.

Traveling yesterday was an adventure. We knew the weather would be getting bad in Chicago, so we kept expecting our flight to be canceled or diverted.

We woke up at 3 am again and got to the airport with plenty of time to spare, but at least we found some seats in the waiting room. After about fifteen minutes, it was standing room only, which isn't easy to do with a toddler and a baby for more than a short while. Ben ate many, many snacks because he decided it was breakfast. After four cookies I had saved from a flight last week, he had almost an entire Kashi Go Lean bar. Goofy.

We flew into Denver first with only an hour layover. Hoppity hop. Back on a plane, this time with on-flight entertainment. Ben had his DVD player and watched choo-choos. Chris and I watched Chuck, which was playing on the big screen.

Landed in Chicago. While we taxied to the gate, Chris turned on his cell to look at flight checker and found that we didn't have to run to our next flight. It was delayed more than two hours. We skipped the shuttle and walked to our next gate on the opposite side of the airport (we are vital, active people with fit, capable bodies, didn't you know). Then I paid nearly 30 dollars for semi-healthy food for us while Ben watched VeggieTales. We found seats several gates away from where we were supposed to be, but our designated area was jam-packed since they had four flights leaving from the same gate within thirty minutes of each other. Crazy.

Wait. Change diapers. Check the departure board. Wait some more. After two of those four flights were canceled, we sat where we were supposed to, and we waited some more as our aircraft landed, but couldn't find room at the gate because the planes that were supposed to take off, couldn't.

We made it eventually. Everything was fine.

Entertaining an infant on a plane is so exhausting. I worked my ass off to keep her from crying. The people around me had to deal with me singing the alphabet song and itsy-bitsy spider and making silly noises and faces and seeing a baby go up in the air like an airplane OVER. and. Over. and over. again. I got many "thank yous" and "your baby was so well behaveds" and "i'm impresseds." High praise indeed. Worth it. She did cry a little bit, but only for a few minutes at a time.

Oh. And those people who reclined their seats back into my lap while I was holding a baby? Karma, people. Karma. It'll come back to bite you in the ass. I had to stand on my seat to get out into the aisle. That's hard to do while holding a baby.

So that was that. And now it's over. Time to rest and recuperate from our vacation. :)

A Breeze and a Barf Bag

Flying was a breeze. We had some rough moments, but overall, we felt very fortunate to have prepared so well and to have such easy going kids.

1. The portable DVD player was so convenient and wonderful to have in the airports during long layovers. It really helped keep Ben from getting antsy. We did take him for long walks (Monkey walks), but he was happy to sit in his stroller, watching the DVD.

2. I'm so glad that Ben likes wearing his monkey harness. My nephew hates his, but Ben considers it a treat. Really. He loves not having to always sit in a stroller or in a cart when we go somewhere. And in the airport? We put Anna in the stroller and monkey-walked Ben. Awesome.

3. Ben had Benadryl in the morning before we left, and we gave him tylenol before the short puddle-jumper flights. He slept through both of those flights.

4. The flight attendant with the poofy red hair? Yeah. You can bite me. Tell me how else to let my son blow off some steam than walking (jogging) up and down the aisles. He wasn't running into anybody, and I was right behind him the whole time. We got many positive, kind smiles... but you yelling at us while you were having a (much deserved) coffee break in the galley? Not cool. Next time, you can provide the duct tape or the tranquilizer dart to keep my son still for four hours.

5. I belatedly remembered that I get airsick when I fly. Man, that sucks. Doesn't even take any turbulence. Just ascent and descent, and my stomach is lost somewhere above Utah. I finally threw up a little on the flight between San Francisco and Oregon. I was a blubbering, sobbing, snotty mess when we landed. I felt so miserable, all I could do was cry. The last time I did that, I was about six weeks pregnant with Anna, and then it only stopped when I made the on-call doctor call in my prescription for Zyrtec. We will be investing in some airsickness remedies before the trip back, or I'm going to have to inform my inlaws that they'll have to drive us back.

6. While we were eating totally delicious, not-on-the-healthy-eating-plan quesadillas in the SFO airport, I realized I had never been to California before. I enjoyed seeing the ocean from my seat in the airplane as we took off. We're taking a day trip to the coast on Saturday so I can get a better look.

7. The time difference is killing me. I'm an early-to-bed, early-to-rise kind of girl, and we were up at 3 in the morning yesterday. Didn't finally make it to bed until 9 last night. Of course it was only 7 here, so I was such a party pooper. And this morning my little family slept in until six (we normally wake up at five). Of course it was only 4 here. I'm surprised they didn't kick us to the porch.

A Plane (Okay, 3) and a Dream

Tomorrow "morning" we leave the house at 4 am to drive to the airport and get on a plane to fly away. Ben has no concept of what a plane is or what flying is, though we've tried to explain and get him excited. Unfortunately, he only has eyes for trucks and trains.

I wished we lived closer to an airport so that we could have taken him there to watch the planes take off and touch down. But it's about twenty minutes away, and we didn't think of it on the days when we had time.

We have two large layovers tomorrow. We also have a portable DVD player (and a backup external power source), many DVDs, many trucks and cars, many little animal figures, many choo-choos, flashcards, books, lacing toys, stickers, crayons and paper... oh my god, is there anything else I could possibly pack in his carry-on? Oh and snacks. I packed lots of yummy, non-sugary snacks because I'm not an idiot.

AND... we tested out the benadryl on him yesterday morning. He got very sleepy and took a nice long nap. The day before, I tried it, and he played quietly for a few hours, but didn't nap. Overall, I think we can be certain that he won't be one of those hyperactive-on-Benadryl kids.

Our total travel time (including layovers) is twelve and a half hours tomorrow. I'll be thinking of my readers near Chicago and San Francisco when I'm stuck in the airport with two rugrats.

I've had our suitcases packed since Sunday, which left us time for troubleshooting such things like 1. Our lack of birth certificate for Anna, 2. The DVD player wouldn't hold a charge on its "long-life lithium battery" and 3. I don't have enough clothes for Anna in her new size. Those issues are now resolved, and last night before bed, Chris and I both started feeling the panic and urgency of "we're leaving soon are we ready oh my god we'll forget something important."

Maybe it will help to itemize my concerns so you guys can tell me it's no big deal:

• I'm not looking forward to nursing in public. Anna's nose is stuffy, and she breaks the latch and turns away to breathe a lot. I haven't been able to get used to nursing with a blankie over the exposed parts because then it's hard to see if she's aimed right or being suffocated on my maidenly flesh. I'm worried about making other travelers uncomfortable if they see a flash of nipple or a squirt of forceful letdown. I know I shouldn't worry about that, that nursing is totally natural and beautiful, and it's their problem, not mine... but I'm a polite Midwestern girl who was raised to always consider the comfort of others before my own.
  
• Ben. I'm preparing for HOAP (hell on a plane), but hoping for awesome behavior and a toddler's shiny enthusiasm for new experiences. I'm worried he'll get totally bored and ornery. I'm worried his ears will hurt and he'll scream.
  
• Anna. I'm worried her ears are going to hurt or she's not going to like hanging out in the baby wrap. I'm worried her diaper is going to explode and we won't have packed enough spare outfits to change her clothes. I'm worried she's going to have her screaming fits and upset the other passengers.
  
• Us, the parents. I'm worried that we'll be so freaking tired that we won't be able to have a pleasant experience. I'm worried we'll get frustrated and upset.
• I'm worried that I've packed too much or not enough in our carry-ons. I'm worried that having two carry-ons will be too difficult to manage in the airports.
• I'm worried about forgetting something crucial before the security points. Like not packing grenades or butcher knives. Gawd, I hope I remember to leave my uzi at home. (No, actually. We don't own any weapons. But I am a little concerned about the new liquids rule, and I'm worried I'll forget to put something in my little quart-sized bag for inspection.)
  

The list could go on, but Anna's crying, and there's breakfast to make, and three loads of laundry to fold and put away, a bed to strip and remake for our house sitter, two carry-ons to repack, a fridge to clean, a floor to mop... You get the idea.

When Flying Feels Like Falling

I'm not sure I've mentioned our next planned trip. Later in February, I'm packing our bags and flying with my little family to Oregon to visit Chris's parents in their new home. Longtime readers may recall that Chris hailed from Tucson, the hot hellhole without leafy trees. Last summer, his parents announced that they were buying a house just down the street from his Grandma Dixie in Medford, Oregon.

We had already planned on making a trip to Tucson in January to visit the parents and show off the children. Since they aren't there anymore, going to Tucson on purpose seems silly. So the tickets are bought, and we're off to Oregon, a climate far better suited to this purebred Finn. They even got a big snowfall last weekend.

Flying with the children (with two layovers each way) will be challenging and adventuresome. My goal for packing is only one carry-on. I think I can do it with the right bag. I may find a little bag that Ben can carry himself and to keep his trucks and trains. But one big carry-on for the four of us. I'll be using my handy-dandy Moby wrap to carry Anna around.

We have a plan, we have a goal, and I'm scared anyway. I've never flown with children, and I've heard all the nightmarish tales of screaming children and infants, frustrated and angry passengers who didn't pay all that money to hear my babies wail, and horrible hold-ups at security check points.

That's why I'm looking at this as an adventure, not really a vacation.

Anna and Nana Sitting in a Tree

We came back from spa week at the Minocqua homestead yesterday. My mom said she must not have done a very good job, since I lost another three pounds while I was up there (even with the turtle cheesecake dessert that Chris and I shared on our date night). That brings the total loss to 12.5 pounds. Awesome. I haven't been in the 220s since before I was married.

Tuesday morning when Nana arrived to pick up me and the kids, Anna was calmly swinging in the kitchen. Nana bent down to smile and her and say hello, and Anna just stared at her intently for five seconds. Then my precious daughter let loose a scream so loud and so soul scratching, you would think someone had just chopped off her finger with a rusty dull knife.

I rescued Anna from Nana's evil smile and we nursed for a little bit, and then Anna was okay with sitting on Nana's lap.

Such a rough start to our holiday. By the next day, Nana got her to giggle for the first time. Whenever Anna would see Nana's face, she would light up and grin and coo. Two peas in a pod, they were. Content to just sit there and study each other.

This picture does not show my mother at her best appearance, since it was before six in the morning, and she hadn't even brushed her teeth yet, let alone showered and dressed and put on lipstick. But I love how happy she looks holding my dear little Anna.

I didn't have the coziest of grandmothers. My mom's mom was very kind and homey, but she wasn't overly demonstrative or, well, any fun. My dad's mom was ... let's just say she also wasn't overly demonstrative and certainly wasn't homey or fun. I saw both of them a lot in my youth, but I never had warm, effusive relationships with them. (I should note that Anna looks a lot like my maternal grandmother. My siblings always refer to how she looks like a little Lempi, my mom's mom.)

I've known a lot of people who swoon over the mention of their grandparents. "Oh how wonderful!" "My grandma was my best friend." "My grandpa always took me fishing." etc.

I've seen my mom be Super Nana to my nieces and nephews, but watching her with Anna, I really get a sense for how important Nana will be in her life. Their connection is beautiful. I can totally imagine how Anna will reminisce about her early years with Nana.

Ben loves her dearly as well... but it's different. Ben is all energy and movement and squirming to explore and play. He's always been like that. Maybe it's just her current developmental stage, but Anna seems to be more interesting in communicating. When she's awake, she's always cooing and grunting and looking into your eyes to see your reactions.

We're heading off to do some cardio at the Y after we do a quick T-Tapp workout to get our engines running. We'll be exhausted, but it'll be so worth it. Combined, we've lost about 25 pounds.

When we had our date night, we didn't worry much about calories. It was our "cheat meal" to just sit and enjoy food and enjoy each other. Instead of going with the high-fat, high-calorie stuff that we would have chosen before, we went with what sounded the most interesting, something we hadn't tried before. We each tried a Greek dish. I had dolmades, and Chris had pastichio. We probably won't order them again, but we expanded our knowledge of food, that's for sure. We both fell in love with hummus on warm pita bread with cucumbers, tomato and lettuce drizzled in a dill vinegarette. It's a new way of eating for us, and we're loving it.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow

So I'm getting into the second night of my vacation here at Nana's. While it hasn't always been restful and stress-free (thanks to the children of course), it has been interesting. We've been learning all about T-Tapp this afternoon and evening, and we just finished the basic instruction video. It's really incredible stuff. Such basic exercises done a tiny bit differently. Makes all the difference. Just 15 minutes, and most of my muscles are fatigued and twitchy, and my body feels warm all over. Wow.

I miss Chris. There's no denying it. I miss having him near me, and I really REALLY appreciate how much he helps me in the evenings. I had such a hard time with Ben last night... being in a strange bed in a bedroom that he can get out of. Eventually, I was sitting in there with him, bawling my eyes out. I was so tired and miserable. And I knew the evening wasn't over yet. I still had to finish getting Anna settled for sleep.

I finally gave up trying to get him to stay in the bedroom and sleep. Really. I just stayed in bed and pretended I didn't hear him. I figured there weren't any guns or knives or scissors at his level, so just let him run around the dark house on his own until he passes out. I didn't care anymore. Luckily, Nana was still up, putzing around, and she managed to get him to sleep.

I am so darned dependent on my husband. I don't know what I'd do without him. He's a freaking saint. It's funny, though, what passes as love notes after nearly three years of marriage. Too busy to sit and email me, he's shown his love in other ways:

"Look honey. I made the bed."

"I'm packed up and off to the gym. I love you."

"All the dishes are done, too."

"Aaron was late because he got pulled over, so I had time to fix the gate."

Ahhh. Music to soothe the disgruntled wifely heart. He sure knows how to sweet talk a lady.

Playdate Fun and other news

We had Ben's best friend Luke over for a playdate last night. So Much Fun. They ran around the house like a couple of rabid banshees. Mostly, Chris and I watched and giggled, only becoming part of the action for a basketball game where they had to take turns dunking. Even Anna smiled at their exuberance on a couple of occasions.

The weight loss bandwagon is still trucking along. What's the point of falling off the wagon when the road isn't even bumpy yet? I've tried four new recipes: Turkey Burgers (5 stars), Butternut Squash and Onion pizza (4 stars), Stuffed Acorn Squash Supreme (2 stars from Chris, 4 from me), and Chicken Parmesan (5 stars). The chicken parmesan started out as eggplant parmesan with chicken, but turns out my eggplant had gone to seed and I forgot to add parmesan to the breading. So really it was just chicken sprinkled with mozzarella on low-fat spaghetti. But it was yummy anyway.

Tonight, the Mathis kitchen features Turkey Goulash from the Eating For Life cookbook. I'm excited to try another turkey recipe, since the burgers were a total hit.

We've both stopped recording our calories since we're good at knowing what our allotment is for a specific meal or snack. With how much I'm exercising, I'm creating a huge calorie deficit every day, so that explains the Six And A Half Pounds I've lost. Can I get a Wooohooo!?

In other news, next week will be the week of the break when I go to my mom's house for a few days. It'll be strange to leave Chris here for so many days (Tuesday through Friday), but I'm looking forward to the break and the change in focus. My mom and I will be trying the T-Tapp program together (you can thank Ask Moxie for finally convincing me to give it a try), and I'll be helping her purge her basement since that's the target of note with her weekly housekeeper lady for the next few months.

On February 2nd, we'll be driving to Appleton, WI to celebrate with a whole bushel of women at my sister-in-law's baby shower. Chris will be providing babysitter service during the shower. I think we'll both have a fun time. I'll have a few gifts for her, but I've also collected one bin and two boxes worth of baby stuff for her that I'm done with. Anna keeps growing, and she's breastfeeding so well, I'm relinquishing my breast pump to the working mother who needs it more.

Cute Ben Thing: He can say monkey clearly now, and it's just as precious as I imagined it would be. He giggles when I tell him to be a good little monkey, ala Curious George. We've watched Cars (Kucks) at least three times a day now for the last week. It's still his first request, then Thomas (Choo-Choo), then Wiggles (Weee-oh).

Cute Anna Thing: One of my favorite things she does right now happens when Chris hands her off to me when she's sleeping. I put her in my arms, nestled into my right elbow. She opens up her eyes a bit at the disruption, notices that it's Mommy who is holding her, and she grins like an idiot for half a minute before she accepts the nuk, burrows her head in and falls back asleep.

When Mommy is exercising, Anna gets an upper swaddle that also conveniently keeps her nuk in place. Notice how she is glaring at me. Someday she'll appreciate the effort I'm making to become healthier.

Eeeennngggh. That's the Spot.

Can you feel the burn? Can you? Do you feel your muscles twitching as you hold that squeeze? Yeah. Right there. Right t.h.e.r.e. Okay. Now hold it for ten more seconds.

This morning when I was doing a The Firm workout video (those women are sadists), Ben started grunting and moaning. "Unnnnhh. EEEHHHGGGGNNNN!" Then I realized... he was imitating me. When the tempo is up and your muscles are getting fatigued... you know the feeling... all you can do is exhale sharply and moan and make a lot of unhappy noises.

By the way... have any of you seen 2.5 pounds anywhere? I've lost it It's disappeared. I'm not really that proud of the loss yet. I'll be more convinced or pleased with a scale move after two weeks, when I can be sure it's not just due to less water retention. I am pleased the scale is going in the right direction.

A new helpful mantra I have been repeating is "That's not hunger; that's a craving." I can brush off cravings, but emotionally, I respond to hunger. If I know my body doesn't need more fuel, what I'm feeling is just a craving that is from a food addiction.

In other news, my forced vacation when Chris goes away for training has been pushed back to March. That blows. It was such a nice excuse to go to my mom's house for a few days. Now I have to go to my mom's house with no other excuse other than taking time for me, which is a great reason, but one that I know a lot of mothers feel some guilt about even though they shouldn't.

I'm thinking about next week. My mom could drive down and pick us up, and then Chris could go up on Friday to spend the night and drive us back the next day. We could go snowmobiling... that is if all the snow doesn't melt by then. This warm spell is doing nothing good for the snowmobile trails.

On the children front, I came up with a good "fix" for Anna's wailing spells she has every evening last night. I don't know if it will work again, but it gave us peace last night, and that's worth a lot. She wasn't responding to a diaper change, an offered breast, bicycle legs, rocking, swaying, bouncing, swaddling, sensory taming, etc. Nothing. Until I stripped her down to her diaper and started gently massaging her all over while singing my "Itsy Bitchy Spider" song. She calmed down immediately. I kept it up for over 30 minutes. Then she went to sleep like a little angel in her swing.

"Itsy Bitchy Spider went up the baby's bed.
Down came the hand and squished the spider dead.
Up came the sun and fried up all the legs.
Now the Itsy Bitchy Spider won't bother Ben again."

The Break Is Not A Break-Up

I don't know. I guess if I were to look at me from outside, I might see it more. I know I've been unusually cranky and sad and blah and despondent. I've had a lot of moments in the last couple weeks when I've threatened to run away from home, mentally planned my escape, weighed the pros and cons of taking the children with.

I saw a joke in the Reader's Digest on Monday that said something to the effect that this woman wasn't suffering many ill side effects from weaning off of her anti-depressants, but her husband suddenly became a jerk.

I don't think the children are any more difficult than before, and I'm pretty sure that Chris hasn't actually turned into an apathetic slob. I think it's me who has changed.

So I mentioned wanting to run away when I was talking to my mom. She thinks it would be a great idea if I ran away with the kids up to Minocqua for a few days. She would help me with the children, and I could relax and sleep more and not have any real responsibilities for a couple of days. My mother thinks I might be suffering from post-partum depression. My mother of all people. That's a wake-up call if I ever heard one.

I don't know if I'll go yet. We'll see how the next week goes. I might have Ben go up north for a few days or I might have him go to daycare once a week for the next month. It would give me a break. Anna isn't really all that difficult, or, it's harder to remove myself from her because of our breastfeeding tether. Or I could go on the prescribed vacation. I'm just scared I wouldn't want to come home. I'm scared that I'd come home to a huge pile of dirty laundry, empty coke bottles scattered around the house, fetid dirty dishes in the sink and no apple juice or clean spoons. I'm scared of what that would do to my marriage.

Interview With a Cheryl

Questions Provided By: Candace and Anna.

The way it works: She was interviewed by someone whose blog she reads. I read her blog every day, and I volunteered to let her interview me. Here are the questions she asked and my answers. If you want to volunteer to answer five itty-bitty questions, just leave a comment or send me an email. I love getting to know people, and it'll give me some use of my almost-received journalism degree.


1) I know you aren't overly fond of holidays. Tell me what you want Ben and Anna to remember about Christmas or Thanksgiving.

You're right. The holidays don't really mean much to me. I've never really gotten into the whole decorating and preparation thing. As a matter of fact, I usually forget to shop for gifts. Maybe my SAHM status will change my feelings about it (not this year, maybe next); we'll see. Regardless of whether or not I ever make wreaths or create a paper turkey centerpiece, I know already what I want Ben and Anna to remember about the holidays. Family. I'm blessed that all of my brothers and sisters live in the same state. As adults, we still try to get to my parents' house for the holidays, though sometimes we miss each other by a few hours.

For the longest time, the only children in the family were my nephews who are now 14 and 7. Two nieces were added by marriage, now ages 13 and 8. Then my sister and I got married and started families. Then my sister-in-law announced a third pregnancy. By Christmas 2008, there will be at least four children under the age of three gathered at my parents' house, creating chaos, joy and lovely memories. We have a large extended family that is totally wrapped up in our children, celebrating all the precious moments, exciting developments, etc. I want Ben and Anna to remember how focused we all were on the children in our lives.

2) What is the most sentimental thing you have in your home? Tell us about it.

This was the hardest question for me. Since college, I've worked very hard at editing my possessions. Maybe I watched too much "Clean House." I don't have a lot of keepsakes lying around. I have a few sentimental items, though I don't know which is the most sentimental and none of them are important enough to me to carry out with me if the house was on fire. I'd grab my children and their most loved things, not mine. I think this lack of sentimentality relates to my apathy for the holidays.

The sentimental items that I have include a framed cross-stitch that Chris's Grandpa Garrett made for us to commemorate our marriage. He finished it about a week before our wedding. Another is a painting of a lighthouse that his Grandma Dixie painted and gave to us as a present. Then there is the framed collage of our first year of marriage. It includes our wedding announcement, a picture of Chris kissing my cheek at our reception, pictures we had taken three weeks before Ben was born, one of which has Chris hugging my hugely pregnant belly, and our first family picture taken at the hospital with Ben all swaddled and wrinkly and cute.

Beyond those, there are some items I've kept from my years as a single girl. A wooden statue of a yogi in melancholic contemplation. The first carving I ever had really strong feelings for. He looked so sad in that pose, I knew I had to take him home with me and keep him safe while he sorted through his despair. It doesn't take a psychologist to realize that I transferred my own feelings onto the statue. For what it's worth, he's in a box in the attic right now. I also have half a dozen 5x7 framed prints of lovely fine art scenes. Lots of soft, subtle colors and happy images. I plan on hanging those on Anna's side of the room. I selected each print carefully because it reminded me of something from my childhood or something from a favorite book.

3) Nursing was a HUGE part of my relationship with my Anna. What is your favorite part of nursing? I know it is early to ask this question but I am assuming you nursed Ben as well. I am proud of you for your determination to keep trying with Anna!

My mom nursed me exclusively for the first year. She always told me that nursing her children was the most precious part of being a mother. She still recalls fondly the soft caresses of tiny little hands lovingly petting her bare skin. Naturally, the concept appealed to me.

With Ben, I expected to nurse him. Of course I also expected to go to full term with him. I didn't, and Ben struggled to go to breast. He latched on a few times, our lactation consultant approved the latch, and his pediatrician discharged him from the hospital at the normal time, not the standard 4-5 day minimum they now have for all babies who spend any time in the NICU. When we got home, we spent a frustrating two days trying to get him to breast again. He didn't. All he wanted to do was sleep. At our two-day follow-up at his pediatrician's office, we were quickly sent back to the NICU to be re-admitted. He had lost too much weight, was severely jaundiced and had the awful label of "failure to thrive." With a lot of tears, my life as a pumper began, and we made the decision to pump exclusively and give up trying to get him to breast.

With Anna, I wasn't going to just automatically start pumping without trying really hard to nurse. Part of it was remembering the words of my mother who still glows when she talks about how wonderful nursing was, part of it was that I knew how terribly hard it would be to pump all the time with a newborn and a toddler to take care of by myself. Imagine then, my utter joy when I not only got Anna to latch, but got her to nurse for ten or fifteen minutes at a time. We've had a few setbacks since she got home, but she'll go to breast at least four or five times a day. I'm loving it. I'm loving the close contact. I love how her eyes cross when she concentrates on a point right in front of her nose.

I'm not forcing the issue with her. When she's hungry, I offer her a choice of positions at each breast, but if she doesn't latch, we give her the bottle. It's getting to the point now where she'll usually go to breast at least fifty percent of the time. I only need to pump twice a day to make enough milk for all of her supplement bottles. Yay us!

4) Is it true? Does your love just grow and expand to make room for the second one?

This was something I thought about when we were thinking about another child and even more when we were expecting. Ben is my sunshine, he's my favorite part of life, he's a constant source of delight and wonder and bliss. How on earth could I feel that strongly for another baby? I didn't worry a lot about it. I just figured I'd deal with whatever happens when it happened.

When Anna was born, I was immediately filled with overwhelming tenderness and concern. Did I love her the same way as I love Ben? No. It's different. A lot of my feelings for Ben involve our history together, how we've bonded over the months, the love and laughter we've shared, etc. It's not just instinctual mother love. I love Anna, and I'm falling more in love with her every day. The place where Anna is in my heart is separate from Ben, so she's not replacing him or crowding him out, and my love for Ben is not constricting my ability to love Anna.

By the way, Candace, you're right about postpartum depression affecting the bonding process. When I had that meltdown a few days postpartum, I was ready to leave. Just pack up my stuff and get the heck out of town. I wanted to leave Chris, Ben and Anna and just go away and not ever have to be a mother or a wife again. It just shows you how much depression can overtake any feelings of love and commitment. My hormones are balanced better now, and I'm back to my usual self for the most part.

5) What is your dream vacation (family or couple)? Where would you go and what would you be sure to do?

In reality, any vacations we take as a family "need" to be to visit Chris's family since they live so far away and have only seen Ben once. We're going in February. In my head, I know exactly what I'd rather do.

Before I became a proofreader, I was a nanny for a lovely family in town. They weren't filthy rich, but comfortably well off and with some family money. Their extended family owns a villa in the Bahamas. They let me and a friend use the villa for a week several years back. It was lovely. Absolutely wonderful. It's a very quiet location, not very public and touristy. Perfect for children. That's where I'd go with my family. We'd wake up in the mornings and cook pancakes. Then we'd go for a walk on the beach and build sandcastles.

The End.

The Moon and I

We had a good time. Chris and I together, Ben and his Nana.

Ben had a few rough moments of sadness and melancholy with my mom, but overall, was excited and thrilled to be around all of her toys. She has a piano, for goodness sakes, and that's just about the most exciting thing in the world. She was happy to report that Ben didn't pound on the keys like other children. He approached the piano with reverence and delicacy -- exactly how I did when I was his age. My mother predicts a future with years of piano lessons.

He did well without us. When we arrived to pick him up yesterday morning, he didn't run to us to give us hugs. Instead, he ran to gather up all the new toys to show us. Eventually, we got hugs, but not before we were shown every last piece of wonderful that he'd discovered.

When we finally got home, he was a cranky maniac, but that was to be expected. Life with Nana is a very different from the pace of life at our house, and he was overwhelmed by the switch. He slept through the night, though, and I'm hoping that'll restart his batteries.

As for our babymoon, we had a wonderfully romantic time together. As romantic of a time that could be had with a wife who is on pelvic rest. Needs were met, however, and we focused on intimacy rather than wild, carnal lust. We explored the little tourist town we had chosen, ate terrific meals, read books down by the water, swam in the pool, napped, watched cable TV (luxury), and basically just enjoyed each other's company.

A funny moment. When we checked into the hotel, we saw the heated pool and our hearts sank because we hadn't packed our swimming suits. The pool seemed like a really good idea to my tired, pregnant body, so we drove to the next big town to see if there were any swimming suits left in stock. There weren't. So we drove another hour to pick up suits where we knew we could find some... our house. That little escapade took four hours out of our first day, but it was worth it. We loved our time in the pool. Chris joked that next time, we should choose a destination at least two hours away so we won't be tempted to run back home for things we forgot.

It's Friday morning now, and my life starts over again. I feel refreshed and okay about that. I missed Ben's giggle. I missed my own bed. I missed my laptop.

**On a side note to Dana and anyone else who may be confused about the name thing. Chris is Chester and Chester is Chris. When I first started my blog, he requested that I not use his real name (Chris). He's a curmudgeon sometimes. Anyway. I decided that once I quit my job to become a SAHM, I wouldn't bother with the charade anymore, and Chester was rebaptized as Chris. **

Another Meme plus Life Update

A meme I found on Allie's blog (http://curvatude.blogspot.com). I'm not tagging anyone for it because I don't want to annoy the crap out of people. I've included an update on my personal life at the bottom.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was 16. Yikes. I was getting ready to pass my driver's test. I was dating... someone. I think it was my ex-boyfriend who I kept going back to at least once a year. He was getting ready to graduate high school. I was being young and insane... although that was the summer that I went to the local tech school to get my nursing assistant certification, making me the youngest person to ever graduate from the program. I was really good at that job. While I was going to school, I was working at a local 3-in-1 fast food restaurant that had a pizza parlor, sub shop, and frozen custard counter. Ah, the memories.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
A year ago today I was being a new mommy to a small baby named Ben. He was five months old and very charming. I don't think we did anything special for Memorial Day weekend, although we may have driven up north to see my parents.

Five snacks you enjoy
1. Cheddar cheese chunks
2. Apples/oranges/bananas
3. Soft pretzels with nacho cheese
4. Ritz crackers
5. Chewy granola bars

Five songs that you know all the lyrics to
1. Elmo by Holly McNarland
2. The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice
3. London Rain by Heather Nova
4. Brighter Than Sunshine by Aqualung
5. Hold On by Sarah McLachlan

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire
1. Pay off ALL of our debt, including the mortgage
2. Pay off my siblings' mortgages
3. Set aside a trust fund for the kids
4. Invest, invest, invest
5. Go on a couple of vacations

Five bad habits
1. Picking my nose in private
2. Picking at the dry skin on my lips
3. Picking at my face while I'm falling asleep (can you see the trend?)
4. Swearing at work
5. Not caring if the car is a pig pen

Five things you like doing
1. Tickling Ben
2. Cuddling with my husband
3. Gardening
4. Singing along to music in the car but only in goofy voices
5. Painting pottery

Five things you would never wear again
1. Shorts (it's a vanity thing)
2. Crocs
3. Really high heels (my husband is a quarter inch taller than me)
4. Sequins
5. Hemp necklaces

Five favorite toys
1. Laptop
2. Sandcastle equipment
3. Canoes and rowboats
4. TV remote
5. Ben is the best toy there is.

Personal Update: I had a baby checkup on Tuesday. My doctor, bless her, still couldn't get a reading on the heartbeat. Sure, that's not great, but the official party line is that we're not worried since I've felt the baby kick. Of course that just makes me freak out and think that maybe I didn't feel the baby kick after all. But anyway. I have another appointment near the end of June when I'll be 18 weeks and really showing, and we'll be scheduling the anatomy ultrasound at that appointment.

I really didn't want to go out of town this weekend. I hate traveling when I know the roads are going to be packed. Makes me feel like a lemming. But my dad called last night to talk to Chester. Dad had taken out the cable modem to replace it, and he couldn't get it back together again. Go figure. I have no idea why he tried to do it himself. Now we're driving up to Minocqua tomorrow to see my parents and fix the computer so my mom can get back online again. She's housebound because of her knee (replaced about a month ago). She can't drive or walk anywhere without a cane. She hasn't seen Ben in a month, so that will be nice. I'm just not looking forward to the hour and fifteen minute drive it takes to get there, which will probably take about two hours because of the traffic.

Have a fantastic weekend everybody! I don't know if I'll post again until I get back to work on Tuesday. We'll have to see.

Vacation, Woo-Hooo

I'm off for a day and a half of glorious nothingness. Today I shall celebrate a friend's birthday. Tomorrow I shall nap, and then bring over my Christmas card to the copy place and get that started. I may or may not take a blogging break. We'll have to see how stir crazy I get.