Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Change, Grief, Life

I'm not a fan of change. And Lady Smo losing her baby yesterday will instigate a change. From now on, her dear dead baby will be part of the conversation. I'll finally have had a friend who has had to grieve a loss. I'm not used to it.

I'm young (25), and still a baby. My generation hasn't experienced a lot of trauma yet, for the most part. Our parents usually won't have died yet. This new topic of "Loss" is new to me.

I've tried to wrap myself in the old, time-honored traditions. I've sent her flowers, written her a note, and made her a casserole. I've let her know she's loved.

Now I'll wait for her cues as to what she needs, how she will process this event, this change. Her boss is trying to convince her to take the rest of the week off. I hope she does, if she needs to. Dealing with the physical aftereffects of a miscarriage would be traumatic... but it'd be horrendous to have to deal with that at work. As for the emotional and spiritual aspects, I shudder at the thought.

I clung to Chester last night. We talked for a while about whether or not I should start taking my birth control pills again this cycle. Strangely, it felt more appropriate to let fate take control and forego the protection. Life is so precious, so fleeting. We're willing and ready for another baby, and if we would be blessed with one again, we'd rejoice. It seems odd to me. I thought I'd be freaking out at the prospect of getting pregnant again considering Lady Smo's last pregnancy. Instead of resolving to save myself from that chance, I felt the urge to join with my husband and create and celebrate life.

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