Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Please Steal the Show

Today is the first time I'll go back to visit my old friends at work. Around 1:30 this afternoon. I have mixed feelings about it.

I'm not really worried about it. These are my peeps. I know them well. Life and work have moved on without me. I kind of know what to expect. "How do you like being a SAHM?" "Is it as wonderful as you imagined?"

And since I'm rather type-A about things like this, I'm trying to decide what kind of attitude I should adopt. I know for sure I don't want to be a negative pissy pregnant lady. I also don't want to paint a picture of bliss and roses.

So how do I like it? With care and dedication. It's a delicate balance between being a complete couch potato and a cleaning, nesting dynamo. It's being frustrated with a frustrated toddler and wanting to lock myself in the bedroom for a few minutes and wishing I could soak up more of the Benji love that's thrown my way. It's seeking out and identifying the blessing moments throughout the day.

Is it as wonderful as I imagined? I was pretty careful not to put any solid expectations about life after the change to SAHM. I had some hopes and dreams for what my life would be like, but a label like wonderful? That's setting me up for disappointment. I imagined it would be different and fulfilling. And it is.

Ben is bonding closer to us than ever before. Since he gets so much "mom" time during the day, he's all "daddy" when Chris gets home. The evenings are full of shrieks and giggles and jumping on the bed and songs. During the day, Ben is learning to seek out different activities. He climbs up into his high chair while I'm cooking or washing the dishes, and I'll set him up with some crayons or some water play. We eat lunch together, and we watch TV together. Ben, nestled on my right side, the laptop on my left. We are growing closer because of the time invested in each other.

And pregnancy? I'm 32 weeks now, and even though with Ben, I was only three weeks from delivery, I have a sneaking suspicion that Anna will take her precious time with coming into the world. She's measuring on track perfectly, and I'm not nearly as huge with her as I was with Ben at this point. I'm sore and in screeching pain some days with my pelvis, and my contractions are starting back up again after two weeks of relaxation, but I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. I'm looking forward to the end of the pregnancy and getting to cuddle a newborn again.

Will it be odd to see my old friends at work again? Yes. And I wish they wouldn't ask me a lot of questions. I wish this was just a normal walk-through with Ben to show him off. But it's different this time. I'm the person they want to see more, not Ben. They want to analyze me and question my choices and eye up any changes to my baby bump. And of course hug me and wish me well. I hope Ben starts dancing and steals the show.